Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Losing My Religion

God made Truth with many doors to welcome every believer who knocks on them.
~Khalil Gibran

Spirituality isn't a topic that we're supposed to talk about openly anymore but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

I used to have unshakable faith, an unshakable belief that there was something out there. I may not have known what or who, but "it" was out there and I felt it's presence in my life. I would argue into the wee hours with my old roomie R about the nature of faith and the liberalness of 'god,' I dabbled in wicca, embraced unitarianism, and generally considered myself a spiritual person.

Somewhere along the line I lost this faith and haven't been able to re-find it. And that makes me sad. I didn't necessarily believe in fate, nor did I believe that 'god' had a plan for us, but I definitely felt like there was something out there giving me signs from time to time and watching out for me.

It's funny, I spent years using the tarot, believing in various 'philosophies' and while I still believe the same things I feel like I lost something along the way and I no longer feel that presence in my life anymore. Did my education do this to me? Or did I spend so much time focusing on education instead of spirituality that I lost my inner voice? Because while I'm an intelligent person, I'd rather be spiritual than intellectual. I always have. But I'm at a loss as to how to find that core part of me again and please don't tell me to find it in church, particularly a christian church. I really feel like the bible and the church are man-made institutions that are the antithesis of what that core idea of 'god' is. Sorry if that offends, that's my position. It is a well thought out position that I made after years of contemplation and self-examination.

Anyways, I'm looking to regain that sense of mystery but it seems to be elluding me. (I know that some might argue my above position is the reason for this, but I know that it's not...) I feel like I intellectually know what I believe, that there is something, but I no longer feel it.

How do I learn to feel it again?

No comments:

Post a Comment


Related Posts with Thumbnails