Sunday, July 12, 2009

countdown freakouts!

The other day we hit the 3 months until the wedding mark and with it yours truly tumbled headlong into major freak out mode. And I'm not talking of the bridezilla, must get everything down, pick my flowers, organize events, etc, etc, kind of freakout. I'm talking more of the what's the flipping point of getting married, really? And why does he want to marry me type of freakout. You know, the one that combines with the "we're so different, holy crap, I mean, can we travel together for the rest of our lives (I love India and culture, he digs the beaches/I want to travel everywhere, all of the time, he's more a week or 2 every few years) and not only that, can we live in the same house when he's a neat freak and I'm a mess with my books, crafts, clothes scattered everywhere?" type of freakout to make for a royal mind fuck. So yeah, the "am I sure?" variety of freak out.

Suffice to say, anyone who knows me knows that this type of freak out (related to any given subject) is a common occurence in my world and one in which I have to give the boy kudos for being able to weather and withstand, because they never turn out well for him! I mean really, how often can one handle hearing: I have a question for you? Particularly when he knows what type of question is inevitably going to follow.

The most recent version of this question found him at the wheel of the car while I drilled him with: what does marriage mean? what is the point of getting married? why do you want to get married? and why do you want to marry me? Suffice to say, some of his answers were better than others, but the one that I want to share with you all today was the answer to the final question: I want to marry you because you get me. You just get me.

And with that, for some reason, my anxiety just fell away and I relaxed again. I was and am calm. You see, there is something about this boy, that no other boy has been able to do, and which includes being able to put up with my roller coaster angst ride, to not make me feel neurotic (even though sometimes I very well might be), and most importantly, have this amazing knack to still the beasts within me.

So in answer to his return question: I want to marry him for many reasons. Because I love him, because he makes me laugh when I am on the verge of crying, because he supports me in everything I do, more than anyone I know in my life, and because, most importantly, he just gets me.

So although I'm not one for public displays of affection or squishiness, I writing it down and saying it out loud to remind myself and put it out there. Despite all of my wedding complaints and constant questioning, at the center of it, when I let go of the angst, I know.

Oh, and yeah, totally unrelated... our bonbonnieres are almost down and we booked our honeymoon! French Riviera here we come!

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