Wednesday, October 14, 2009

how to put thoughts into words

Lately I find myself at a loss as to how to put my thoughts into words. Maybe it's because so much has been going on and I haven't had time to process it all, but it's been something that has been plaguing me for the past few weeks. Or maybe it's because I have so many thoughts going on in my wee little cranium that thinks too much that I don't even know where to begin.

I mean, do I talk about the wedding? Nah, I'm tired of thinking/talking about the wedding. Do I talk about family and what it was like to have them all here for a change? Possibly, but how intimate do I really want to get on a blog? You know? Or do I talk about the evolving nature of my friendships and the realizations I've been making about my relationships to my various friendships? It's really one of the the issues that has been most on my mind over the past few days.

I've been in Montreal for 8 years now, and in that time, I've kept in touch with most of my close friends from back home, on and off, but semi-regularly, since I've left. Having them all come out to celebrate my wedding, as I've written, was one of the things that I was most looking forward to in terms of the big day. The night before the wedding, all my BC girlfriends came over for drinks and festivities and it was amazing. I felt like I was back in BC, with a few Mtl additions. I'm glad that I had that time because I didn't have it the day of the wedding. We were too busy with everybody and everything to really spend any time with any one person.

Thing is, as we get older, the friendships have stayed strong, which is amazing, but we've also all moved in such different directions and me getting married really drove that home. I remember a few years back, when one of my dearest friends got married, feeling like wow, our friendship is going to be so different now (it is and isn't) that she's a wife. As happy as I was for her, I sort of grieved for the loss of us (roommates, single girl adventures, living close to one another). And now that I'm on the other side of the fence, I'm confronted with an interesting perspective: watching friends go through that same realization (albeit in their own ways), and realizing how differently the moment is experienced from the other side. Not that I'm all of a sudden a different person, that's not at all what I mean. It's just that I'm moving into the realm of homes and careers and babies (not that marriage necessarily equates to any of those things, just that that's the phase of life I'm moving into). Going through the marriage process, or rather, the rite of passage, really solidified those changes for me and made me aware of some of the relationships I have with my friends and how they've evolved for better or worse as I've aged and become part of this unit. It made me aware of how much I've changed or haven't changed and how some friendships might not have changed with me. How some friendships hold onto the core of me that is always the same, sometimes positively and other times detrimentaly (because the me that is held onto is no longer who I am anymore), and how other friendships have changed with me and have grown stronger over time as we've evolved together or as we've gone in different directions.

I'm probably not doing justice to my thoughts here. I'm not criticizing my friendships or thinking that I've lost friendships because of marriage, but rather, just amazed by how having everyone here has made me aware of how our friendships have shifted and changed because of age, time, distance and the different phases/lifestyles we've entered into. And how, at the end of the day, although I struggle to put it into words, I'm very thankful for the amazing women in my life who travelled so far to share this moment with me because despite all the different places we've landed, there is still a core that remains and holds us together. The way we're held together may have changed, but the friendships remain. And that's just a really humbling thing to realize and to know: that you can grow in different directions but still be loved. To know that despite everything, time and distance, I have amazing friends that will always be a part of me.

How to put such thoughts into words that do them justice remains a complete mystery to me.

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