Monday, January 18, 2010

mother – daughter relationships

Once upon a time I called my mother for everything. Literally, everything. All of my life decisions were vetted by mom for advice and feedback. Not that I actually did what she advised most of the time. I’m quite contrary by nature (Marya, Marya, quite contrary-a). She’d say go left and then I’d go right. I just needed her to say go left in order for me to be sure that I really wanted to go right! :)

From moving to Montreal, to being cheated on by my ex, from deciding to change my undergrad program in order to go to grad school, to deciding whether or not I was ready for marriage, to going to India or dealing with student loan anxieties, Mom has always been on the other end of the phone to listen and help me sort through what I really wanted (often listening to the same conversation over and over again as I processed my angst and indecision).

However, recently something has changed. I no longer turn to her for everything anymore. And even when I do, the nature of our conversations is vastly different. Don’t get me wrong, she still listens and gives advice but there’s something in the nature of our conversation that is changed. And the only thing that I can identify it as is adulthood. I don’t need my mom to approve or disapprove of my choices anymore. And I don’t really need her advice in order to know what I want. So the conversations are different because I’m not really looking for advice, which I’m sure she’s aware of, but merely slipping back into our pattern of behaviour even though it’s sort of an empty process now.

Ironically, I think that wedding planning is what brought us to this place. Without going into details, wedding planning was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back and dragged me out of my co-dependent relationship with my mother. Somewhere along the line, I’ve switched from needing my mother to not needing her anymore. It’s a weird and somewhat liberating, yet sad place to find myself in. I’m all grown up. It’s been sneaking up on me for a while now, but now it’s here and there’s no denying it.

Girl, you’re a woman now….

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