Friday, March 5, 2010

mentor worship

It all started with Madame Briarly, my kindergarten teacher. Ever since then I’ve always suffered from a strange sense of star struck awe when it comes to mentors/teachers who I look up to for whatever reason.

First comes a subtle crush. You know, that warming phase when you start to notice someone.

But then it gets worse and I start feeling tongue tied. Even though I’m 33 and I should totally know better… and I do… but still, every now and again my 5 year old self emerges and I find myself vying for attention, praise, and a few kind words from someone who has entered my life and brought something new into my world.

Granted… it happens a lot less now than it did when I was younger (though whose to say whether its maturity or opportunity).

If it’s an online crush/worshipping scenario then I find myself negotiating that hazy divide between voyeurism and education… wanting to learn more, keeping my enthusiasm in check, and yet obsessively compulsively following various avenues of information whilst trying to keep it all sane and non-stalkerish. So… you know, I’ll read your blog but I won’t comment cause I don’t want to seem psycho. :P

In person it means that I’ll be present, but painfully silent and shy. (I know, I know… me, shy? Impossible. But. Oh. So. Very. True). But I’ll hang off every word you say and remember the most inane conversations years later. Sad, but true.

And heaven help us both if you actually say something positive about something I’ve done: I literally melt into a puddle of oozing glee, like a dog lapping up water after a hard run on a long summer day.

Ok, so I’m probably exaggerating things a bit but then again….

I have to admit it, it’s strange but true… I develop secret (or not so secret) crushes on my mentors and sometimes they actually prevent me from interacting with said mentor in a normal way… you know, as in having intelligent conversations.

And what prompted said revelation?

Fall 2008 024Quote 

The simple compliment from my Nia teacher, telling me that she loves the above quote that is included in my email signature. Yeah. That’s right. I’m all gushy flattered like an 11 year school girl whose just discovered Teen Beat (I think I just totally dated myself there… do they still even make teen beat)?

But can I actually have a normal conversation with her? No. Why? Cause I’m lame and self-conscious and letting my infatuation with Nia cloud my stupid ability to converse like the mature, mostly confident adult that I actually am in my every day life. Plus, add to that the fact that this all happens in French and you can begin to see what a pickle I’ve created for myself.

Why oh why can’t I outgrow my school girl teacher crushes? Am I that much of a geek that they’ll never go away? I’m starting to suspect that this might be the case!

Oy Vey, people. Oy Vey!

(by the way, just for clarity’s sake, I’m not obsessed with my Nia teacher, I recognize she’s human and I was referring to her simply because her praise was the most recent incident of teacher crush I have experienced… and despite my inner angst, I think that I still manage to maintain a cool aloof front in the face of things… little did you know, my quiet standoffish ways have nothing to do with disinterest but actually hide my inner glee filled freak out!).

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