Monday, April 19, 2010

spiritual rehab

Currently reading Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed and as I read it I inevitably think about my own marriage process. The ultimate conclusion I've made so far, keeping in mind that the Pope is an ass and now blaming homosexuals for pedophilia in the church, is that I resented the process.

Yup, I resented planning my wedding. I resented having to accommodate anyone's wishes other than mine or my partner's. It drove me batty, made me miserable, and filled me with anger throughout the entire process.
It was exhausting and I hated having to take so many other people's opinions into consideration. Maybe that only reveals how willful and selfish I am, but so be it. In as much as I loved planning an event and all the decor elements, I did not deal well with having my choices dictated to me out of consideration for others.

All that aside though, what I am really contemplating right now is what my unwillingness to consider others when it comes to decision making really reveals about me and by extension, my culture. I was raised to believe in individualism, and my sense of self makes me completely resistant to wanting to compromise on the BIG things. I want to act with integrity and stick to my ideals and values, but those values are my own, not ones that are proscribed by another group. So what happens when the twain shall never meet?

The answer at the moment? Spiritual burnout. Yup, that's right. At this moment in time, I feel the need to emerse myself in a world entirely of my own making, surrounded by like-minded people because honestly, I don't know how much longer I can take a world full of conservative values and rationalized belief systems that turn a blind eye to all the flaws inherent within the system. Because I just don't know how we got to a place that is so far from where we want to be. And I want to be in a place with people who feel the same way, and who are striving to make a change, instead of just complaining about it. So where oh where do you find such a place? Cause I'd really like to know...

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