Monday, May 3, 2010
So this is probably going to come out all wrong but I’m going to try anyways…
Although I feel in a place of plenty, full of energy and gratitude, I feel as though my world is filled with the energy of wounded souls. Not broken, just battered. I know that it sounds flakey, but it’s true. I feel like I’m surrounded by people battling their own demons, in need of succour, or trying to make life altering decisions but are filled with uncertainty and confusion. And it’s weird, because I would normally say that that is the space that I inhabit but for once, I don’t think it’s me. I’m not lost, or confused, or uncertain about what I want anymore.
I feel filled with spirit and joy, and creativity. And even though writing that makes me uncomfortable because I can just hear the eyes rolling and the west coast hippie comments flowing, I also feel comfortable enough to admit it. I am blessed and I feel like the universe has unfolded her arms and cradled me in her embrace.
Maybe it’s because I feel so balanced for the first time in my life that I can finally look past myself long enough to see outwards? (And no, for the record, I’m not saying that everyone I know is wounded and filled with chaos—if you recognize yourself in this description it’s because of what you feel, not because of what I’m saying because I’m not talking about anyone specifically). My point is that I feel like I’m looking out of my own inner turmoil for the first time in ages, to really see how people around me are suffering. And part of me wants to reach out and help, but another part of me wants to zealously guard my hard won sense of equilibrium. This of course makes me feel selfish, but I also recognize that my sense of contentment is something that could be quite easily thrown off kilter and I really don’t want that!
I’ve written quite a bit recently about wanting to find/build a community of people who nurture this side of me, and I still do. But I also want to walk into such a project with an awareness of the negativity that can come with community because these days I feel that it is especially important to protect myself from melodrama (cause hello, I’m very guilty of the melodrama)! The point is, is that while I want to nurture the people around me, I also want them to be pro-active about creating the world they want for themselves. I guess it boils down to wanting for them what I want for myself.
It’s funny. For all that I think that I can really blog on about personal issues, I think I rarely open up my heart and admit my greatest desires publicly. Oh sure, I’ll vent and bitch, and complain about the world we’re living in, but I don’t open myself up to the possibility of emotional ridicule when it comes to my dreams. Disagree with my politics, fine. But my heart and my deepest desires, not gonna happen. I’m not going to give anyone the opportunity to go there, not if I can help it. The thing is, is that I’m realizing that I’m never going to build that world unless I start fessing up to what I really feel now am I?
I’m tired of looking in on other people’s lives with envy, wishing that it was me who was in that space because you know what? It’s an illusion anyway. I’m tired of thinking that I’m not good enough, talented enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or liked enough to get there. For years I’ve been hiding behind my jealousies and insecurities and you know what? I’m exhausted. And I think that for the first time in my life, I’ve finally started to let go of my imposter’s syndrome fears that one day you’ll all find these things out. I don’t need to be more or to be a great artist. If my writing isn’t enough, that’s fine cause it’s not about the damned goal, it’s about the process. And watching the world around me, I’m realizing just how much of myself was stifled by these insecurities and fears, and my wish for the people around me, is that they find their own place where they can let go of what everyone else wants for them and allow themselves to just be themselves.
I know, I’m living in an idealistic bubble, but fuck that, if you can’t dream of a better world filled with better people, striving for their best selves, what’s the fucking point?
Labels: metta monday