Thursday, August 2, 2012

pondering life lessons

I’m an oversharer. 

These have nothing to do with anything. I just found them on the shore while on our recent bike ride adventures (from which I am STILL scratching mosquito bites) and well, I thought they were fun! I dig them, that's all!
So that said, let me tell you about what’s been on my mind lately: Babies. 

As in, to have or not to have them? As in, we’re trying to have one but it’s not such an easy thing because my body is changing and doing some odd things. We know we can get pregnant. That’s not the issue.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to go into the body stuff. 

You can heave your sigh of relief now!  

What my reaction to it all though, is what I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. The recent baby adventures have brought to light is that I still have a lot of shit to make peace with.  Namely, the fact that I’m not sure how ok I am with things being out of my control, and I think that’s a problem when going into motherhood. But more importantly, I think that might be a problem for life in general, you know? 

I want things when I want them. I don’t want the having to work for them so much. And honestly, that’s kind of a shitty thing to have to learn to accept about yourself (and I've been trying to forget that lesson since grad thesis writing taught it to me). I mean, I want to just trust that it’ll be when it’ll be, that it’ll all work out, yadda yadda, but I’m not so good at the letting go bits. I over think them.  And then I over talk about them, which leads people to telling me to stop stressing, so I end up being stressed about the fact everyone thinks I’m stressed, and in the end, I just get frustrated that this is something I have to work  for (physically and emotionally).  

And I’ve learned, in and amongst moving house, taking over a new role at work, and trying to have a baby, that when the going gets tough, well I start doing stupid things like setting deadlines and micro-managing the details like I can actually have control over things.  Oh sure, I tell myself there’s a lesson in it, that I’m learning good shit, but here’s the thing: am I really learning anything when I continue to seek to control that which is actively seeking to defy control? Yes, I see the irony in this: Marya, ever the rebellious one, is now confronted by her own body/mind rebelling against her! Yep, life is funny and karma is a bitch! 

So what am I going to do about it? Nothing? Something?  

Here’s the question I’m currently asking myself: is trying to change myself and my response to this just another way of packaging up my desire to control the situation into a pretty disguise, or is it actually the right thing to do?  Yes, I may be over thinking this people! But welcome to the world of yours truly!

So that’s where I’m at right now. My current stress is not about being able to get pregnant, or even if I want to have a baby, but about what are my reactions to it all telling me about how I need to grow as a person right now?  

(Hmm, maybe this all boils down to is not so much about babies, but the fact that I’m stressed about my reaction to stress)!?

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