Sunday, July 6, 2014

something I wrote, in the wee morning hours, the morning my water broke last year

July 16th, 2013. Written at 3:57am

Ok, I think it's safe to say that it's official: I've hit baby making meltdown point.

I'm sure it's normal and lots of late pregnancies go through this. But this baby needs to get out. He needs to do something because I'm starting to lose my shit for a multitude of reasons.

1. Other than getting fatter and redder when I walk, my body doesn't really seem to be doing anything that marks any progress towards labor. I think that at least if I had some sort of signs that labor was imminent I'd feel calmer. I know, I actually asking for some pain, contractions, sore hips, etc to indicate that he's moving down and getting ready.

2. I've done my entire pregnancy in French, my second language, which means that I don't have the fluidity to express my ideas, feelings, and/or concerns. It makes it harder for me to ask questions or to have the language to realize things in my appointments that I might catch sooner in English. For example, we don't have a follow up appointment booked: do I call you or you call me?

3. My Mom is only here for a limited amount of time and I feel a ton of pressure (self-imposed) to have this baby before she leaves in order for her to be able to meet him.

4. It's so bloody hot and we have no air conditioning in our home. I'm literally melting and feeling beet red on a daily basis at the moment, which as you can imagine, makes me particularly pleasant to be around.

5. I'm just freaking out. Point blank. I know it's hormones and I know that I should appreciate every moment I have before my life changes irrevocably but I'm freaking out over here and feeling like this baby is never going to come and honestly, I don't know whether I am more inclined to wanting to break down into tears or throw a temper tantrum. Yeah, I'm only half joking as I write that which is the scariest part of it all.

6. I want to trust that my body just knows what it's doing because let's face it, it has throughout my entire pregnancy but the raging hormones are starting to make me doubt it. As in, what if my body is one of the few that just doesn't know? What if, gods forbid, it fails me in this final hour, and doesn't do what it should do naturally? What if? What if it fails and I have no follow up appointment, where do I go, what do I do? Do I wait for my Dr to call me or do I call for an appointment? And never mind all the irrational fears I have about said call and the fact that I feel like I'll be left hanging in the Quebec medical system because no one will see the urgency that I am currently feeling?

Oh yes, my hormones are at an all time freak out level. It's a fact. I am currently in the midst of a complete meltdown, don't say I didn't warn you at the beginning of this post!

On the other hand, somewhere deep beneath the hormonal freak out I have enough of a small voice of reason in there to remind me that this too shall pass and that what I'm feeling is probably very normal; to trust that the system won't completely fail me and that I'll go to my ultrasound on Wed, if I don't go into labour first, and there will be a well planned out follow up routine in place that I just don't currently know about and that the medical system, in their blase "been there, done this a million times" overlooked sharing with this first time Mom because they lost sight of the individual over the routine. Yeah. And really, my body has been fine this entire pregnancy so it'll be fine with labour.

Right? Right. Help a hormonal pregnant lady out... remind her that it's going to all work out just the way it needs to and that I just need to relax. The end is only a matter of days away and it's going to be fine.

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I can't help but find it sort of ironic/funny that I was melting down so much for something that was only hours away! Literally 47 hrs later I was holding Liam in my arms. Not that I'm going to have another, but I can see how a second pregnancy would just be so different! And how I would cherish those last days so much more than I did the first time around because the newborn stage is infinitely harder than the big, red, bloated stage. Just saying...

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