Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Wanted: Mothering/Work Exchange

Looking for willing working schmuck to stay home with my 10month old sick infant.

Must be willing to rock and bounce baby to sleep. Warning, this takes a while, especially when he's congested, but it's great cardio so you won't need to go to the gym for a few days.

Feeding. I don't expect you to breastfeed but you'll need to be comfortable with a bottle. And not an alcohol bottle. A baby bottle, with my breast milk in it. I'll prep them (yes, them, as in 1 every few hours) but be forewarned, they are full of my breast milk.

You'll also have to feed him solids. He likes to feed himself but you have to stay there and watch over him because he tends to put too much food in his mouth. So you're on choking duty. Keep in mind that he's sick, so he might want to be fed softer purees instead. This means that while you can eat when he does, you'll find that you might not finish your meal. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll either learn to eat at the speed of light or go without. Did I mention clean up duty? Yeah. That's fun. Between what lands on him and the floor, either way, it's a bit of a warzone to clean. Especially when he lets out bloodcurdling screams when you approach his face with a cloth, no matter what song and dance you perform.

Also be aware, participant needs to hold baby all day (he's 23lbs so hopefully you have good stamina. Either way, consider it weight lifting and a good core workout.


Sleep when baby sleeps. Keep in mind, this is a bit of a romanticism. Babies, especially mine, sleep less than you think. Usually just as you're starting to nod off, baby starts waking, which can actually make you feel more tired. So nap at your own peril.

Stay home in your pjs all day if you so desire. After all, he's congested and using you as a kleenex anyways. Why ruin your good clothes.

He's cute. You know, when you subtract the snotty, whiny bit out of the equation. And he has a pretty sweet smile and laugh so there will be some good moments in the day, despite the hunger, mess, diapers (did I mention those?) and crankiness. Probably.

Will you think it's worth it by the end of the day? It's hard to tell. But I guarantee you that you'll be happy to see me when I walk in the door!

In exchange:

I will go to your place of employment and work my ass off, regardless of the task you set before me. I will be the bestest, most productive employee you've ever been. Seriously. I can get amazing amounts of work done in 45 mins when I put my mind to it. Hell, even in 20 minutes. I will dress fancy, have adult conversations, and enjoy your lunch break with your colleagues. 

Any takers?

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