being a guest at a wedding, post wedding experience

It’s been busy over here in Marya-land. My cousin-in-law got married this past weekend, so we were fully immersed in wedding festivities.

We made our very own wedding card (yes, we, together, 50/50):

In an effort to really be present during the event, I left the camera at home (because let’s face it, if you’re busy taking pictures you tend to not be actually participating in the moment as much). But I had to share this one picture of the 2 of us, all dolled up, taken with my iPhone (you can dress me up, take my camera away, but don’t you dare ask me to leave my favourite toy at home!)

As my very dapper looking husband pointed out, it was very different to be a wedding guest after we’d gone through the process ourselves. Really. Different.

Just before our wedding, I went to other weddings with an eye towards the things they’d done (you know, scoping out what I wanted for our own big day), and this time, well, as I watched the day from the outside in, I found myself nostalgic about our own big day.  I actually found myself a lot more weepy than I’ve ever been before. And filled with love for my husband and the adventures we’ve been through together since then.

We grew so much as a couple through the process and it was a rite of passage that I may not have needed (I don’t think that marriage is required for a commitment), but one that am thankful for nonetheless.  And I’m glad that being a guest at someone else’s wedding helped to remind me of that and to put my own experiences into perspective.

And to my cousins-in-law… best wishes for a life full of joy, love and laughter!

wedding scrapbook: my little brothers

Disclaimer: the colour of this photo is a little off because I took it at night with the lights on and it has picked up on the yellowish tones from the light.

The page itself is fairly simple. I inked it with black and burgundy (Holtz distressing ink in Victorian), stitched one of the flowers by hand and added 2 buttons. The frame for the picture is made up of 2 stamped images that were embossed and cut out.

It's a simple page but I wanted the focus to be on the 3 of us and the fact that my baby brothers tower over me.

wedding scrapbook: colour coordination

That's right, it's another wedding album page! Yay... wedding albums. At this rate I might actually have the book done by then of the month! Only 8 months later but whose counting?



It's a simple page. I think it's sort of funny. I love busy pages, but find myself making simpler and simpler pages. Go figure!

No gold to be found on this page. Just a simple black and white palette so that the colours in the photos could stand on their own.

When I was making this page, I was struck by how much everyone was unintentionally colour coordinated. Grandma with her purple tied in with Mom's teal and purple and Dad's light purple shirt. Rebecca's blue matched with Mom and Grandma. What makes it even more ironic is the fact that Paul's Mom managed to match up with my family too! Her dark blue pulled into the colour coordination quite well! How on earth did 4 women, in 4 different cities, (and not related), manage to pull that off?

wedding scrapbook: buttons

So this page gets no journaling. I was journaled out by this point!

However, that said, on some level the page tells a story just for me because the colours represent my mom's favourite colours and the colours in the kitchen we grew up in. That, paired with my mom laughing at the wedding makes this page really speak about family for me. Something about having my not so little, little brothers, my parents laughing, and the colours makes this page feel very much about all about my side of the family.  I know that doesn't get translated to others but it's there for me. 

(oh yeah, the red looks crooked, but it's not, it's just the angle that the page was photographed and the curve of the page).

wedding scrapbook: scraplift

This page, is to some extent, a scraplift. I saw the page inspiration ages ago, printed it, added it to my journal of crafty ideas, (with no credit of course-I really need to work on recording that information in my personal stash) and I thought that I would give it a try on one of my wedding pages.

The inspiration page used yellow splattered paint on the left side of the page with the photo and stickers on the left with it. (The original had hearts). My photo woudl have been cut off if I'd chosen to mimic the page exactly, so I flipped the page. I also flipped the title/journal locations based on open space and the title I wanted.

I find myself using a lot of gold in my wedding album. I don't know if this is going to be a trend in my scrapbooking in general (which would be strange since I never wear or use gold anywhere else in my life). But I find myself constantly drawn to the gold. Maybe I'll gold myself out by the end of the project, who knows!

The flowers are embossed in silver (which ended up getting lost when heat embossed) and then coloured with a white gel pen to make them pop more. 

I love that one of the elements that appeal to me most, the cut out letters in the title, is actually a fix that I made based on a stamping error (brought to you by the letter b in the word anb). I couldn't just add a square in the one word and leave the rest cause that would draw attention to the mistake, so all the words got a revamp.

wedding scrapbook: bookring bearers

Another wedding scrapbook page. Just you wait, you think you're tired of seeing them already but there are oh so many more to go!

Saturday morning my nephews came up to visit and we played with auntie Marya's stamps. In keeping with their stamping pleasures, I thought that I'd stack this page with fun stamps, just for them. I think they'll like seeing themselves with all those stamps!

Anyways...

One of the things that I find difficult is the journaling aspect of scrapbooking. Coming up with titles and journal pages is really tricky for me. I think I might be over-thinking the process. I want the info to be relevant to the picture, but also something that my kid will enjoy reading one day, and I find that really hard to figure out. I mean, what details do you add when you've either talked a subject out, have created several scrapbook pages on the event already, or are looking for something pertinent to one particular photo? Therein lies my conundrum: too much thought going into choosing the right words!

Here I opted to talk about our show stopping cute nephews. Some thought it was strange that we had no flower girl but honestly, given that we have no nieces, we felt that having both our nephews was more fitting. They were so nervous that they had to be walked down the aisle, but they were adorable in their little suits. Crap, I should have written that too!

wedding scrapbook: lessons in scrapbooking

I’ve been avoiding scrapbooking for the past little while as I have been busy exploring other creative outlets a lot lately. I’ve made cards galore and have started art journaling. In true Marya form, I have a million projects on the go at once. So I thought it was time to unpack more of my craft room and get to work on another wedding scrapbook page:

I used some new K&Co stickers that I received from my secret sister (via Simply Scrapping) and various pages that I had in my stash. I should keep track of these things for blogging purposes, but honestly, the fact that the pages are even somewhat organized is miracle enough! I cut the brown page shorter so that I could add the green backdrop for journaling.


The ribbons on the page come from leftover wedding supplies (cream from my bouquet and the floral ribbon from the ring books I made). I felt like the page needed some pop so I cut out flowers from another page and layered them onto this one (some are flush with the paper, others raised on 2 different level foamy stickers).

In order to make the photo pop more, I sponge painted the cream background (behind the photo) with gold ink and water and added gold to the paper trimming around the background.  Paul thinks the photo still blends in too much but I was kind of looking for a more monochromatic effect so it doesn’t bother me that much. What do you think? I could go back in and add a second sponge colour or pull up the photo and add another contrast paper colour (probably the same green I used for the top and bottom).

The other problem with the page is the way the ribbon gathered. I think I pulled one part tighter than the other and now I need to go back and loosen it so both gathers look the same. Ironically, the gather that you see in the photo above looked nicer off the page than the one on the left (see top photo). But now I’d like both gathers to look like the left hand one. But it was the first time that I tried to gather a ribbon, based on my guesstimation of how it would be done, so it’s not terrible. It actually photographs worse than it looks.

starting a wedding scrapbook

 

My mother-in-law seems to have really liked the gift. Apparently now she knows that I love her. She wasn’t sure because I didn’t call for her birthday (I thought Paul calling would be enough but it apparently isn’t). Suffice to say, I must care if I spent the past month working on this project!

 

So now, I go back to the land of 12x12 in order to create a wedding scrapbook for Paul and I.

 

Here’s the book’s first page:

We had an Asian inspired wedding, so when I found this page, I thought it was perfect. I decided to keep the elements on the page simple in order to really let the paper speak for itself.

 

I only added the image, text, and swirly border stuff, which still distracts from the page but less so than it does in these pics. I had to use flash to get the colours right but that meant that the light bounces off everything BUT the fabric border!

Save the Date page:

 

For some reason, gold seems to be the dominant colour that I keep playing with. Not sure but I figure it’s sort of Asian inspired, so I’m just going to go with it.

 

 

Getting Engaged:

 

I wanted to try creating a page that told a visual history of us prior to getting engaged, so the pics should all be couple pics that are from before or just around the time we got engaged. Other people’s weddings, new york, bc, cuba… and then the largest image from just after we shared the news!

 

Paul should thankful that I only said we got engaged in front of Grandma’s… cause his proposal, though in keeping with us, is not the most romantic of tales… more a comedy of errors really. But we like to laugh, so it’s fitting!

 

 

So those are my latest adventures in scrapbooking….

 

I’ve been reading about a more journal based scrapbooking, and I think that once I’m finished this album, I may have to give it a gander! (Ha, I just wanted to write gander!)

 

best of 2009: challenge & growth

The life lessons learned from bride-land...

So while I promise that not all of my blog posts will be about getting married, this particular subject MUST be about the wedding because nothing in 2009 taught me more than wedding planning.

 

Here are the highlights:

 

 Conflict negotiation, aka, knowing when to pick your battles
 Emotional stress management
 Compromise
 How to be a better partner
 Event planning, this includes follow through, multi-tasking, and delegating
 Letting go of expectations and learning what my limits are
 Recognizing what is realistic and what is idealistic
 And my all time favourite, embracing your creative self

 

Many of these items are to be expected when you sit down and start planning a wedding. But some of them completely caught me by surprise. I mean, I never expected that wedding planning would teach me so much about my relationship with my partner. Sure, I knew there’d be compromises (and big ones given that we are an agnostic/Catholic, liberal/traditional couple [guess which one I am!]) but I was often surprised by some of the issues that actually required and didn’t require negotiation. I mean, I knew that he wouldn’t really be interested in an Indian fusion wedding (no curries or saris for me) but I was surprised by how far my husband was willing to go with the Asian fusion theme we built our wedding around. In fact, he was downright into the entire decorating/planning when negotiating what Asian styled elements we’d add to our invites, wardrobe, and photography.

 

I also learned about skills and areas of interest that my partner had that I was previously not really aware of. He designed our invites and our save the dates. He took care of most of our paper/graphic elements during the event and I was surprised by how readily he took these projects on. Planning the wedding, despite being full of stress made me aware that I couldn’t have picked a better partner. There was none of the stereotypical gender divide. I didn’t plan 90% of the wedding. It really was a 50-50 partnership, which is exactly what I want our marriage to be.

 

Wedding planning also taught me a lot about some of the patterns and behaviours I have that strengthen and weaken our relationship. I’m a talker. And I talk, a lot. It can be a good thing at times because I don’t stew on my emotions and I talk my way through things. But sometimes that leaves Paul with no space to get a word in. I am ever so slowly working on giving him more time to work out his ideas and express his opinions before I jump in with my rebuttals, counterpoints, additions and everything elses. (I know he’s learned his own relationship related stuff, but that’s for him to discuss, not me). Sure I could have told you some/most of this before planning the wedding, but actually going through the process sort of forced me to actually work at recognizing when these patterns were happening and actually changing the patterns and improving how we communicate.

 

All in all, the experience challenged my expectations, demanded that I learn to let go, and helped me grow as a person, both individually and as a couple. To date, it has been one of the most challenging, frustrating, stressful, emotionally charged, obsessive compulsive, creative, and rewarding lessons of my life. I can’t even begin to do the process justice. I feel like it made me a better person.

 

Would I do it again? No. Would I do things differently? Not really. Am I happy that I did it? Yes, absolutely.

For more of my thoughts on lessons learned from the battlefield, go here.

married life

I've been struggling to express this idea for a while now, and still am, but here goes...

People always ask, how's married life? And my answer is always, pretty much the same as non-married life. Not much has changed. But the thing is, while that's true, it's also not completely true and it's taken me a while to figure out why. I mean, we lived together beforehand, we were committed beforehand, our moneys were shared beforehand... so ostensibly, nothing has changed. But it has, and I've finally figured out why.

While we dated, I asked myself a lot of questions like "are you sure?" "is this the one?" "can you live with his flaws, and he yours?" "do we argue well together" etc, etc....  Admitting this to others was always somewhat of a challenge for me because I always felt like it would be perceived as unhappiness or dissatisfaction in the relationship, when really, it had nothing to do with that. For those who know me personally, of course, the amount of over-analysis that went into these questions bordered on being manic, which probably acerbated the concerns they felt when the questions were raised.

However, throughout the marriage preparations something changed. I continued to ask these questions, most often to Paul (yes, you should feel sorry for him and applaud him for being such a patient and brave soul!) but somewhere in there, the questions were answered and now that the decision has been made, a sort of calm has set in. There's a sort of peacefulness in me and in my perception of the relationship that wasn't always there before. Which is weird really because on a logical level marriage has changed nothing. We were committed before the "I dos" and marriage really is no guarantee of anything other than saying that you'll fight it out before you walk away. Yeah, I know there are those who disagree but I'm from divorced parents and I know that some marriages last, and others don't - it depends on the work that the couple in question puts in... but that also holds true whether you're married or not (so I'm totally contradicting myself to some extent). And I don't know if it was really the wedding itself or the process leading up to it that brought about the change, but the change is there so the question is moot.

But who knows, maybe it's as simple as the fact that on some level I feel reassured that if the going gets tough, or we have some terrible argument, that he's committed to working it out and trying everything before walking away (and vice versa). Maybe not being married but having a child together would create that same sense of security. Maybe just knowing that the commitment was that solid, regardless of marriage, would have created that security and we would have gotten here anyways after a period of time and having really merging our lives together fully. The end results are the same regardless of the personal path that led us here, for me (and us, cause we've talked about it) marriage has changed us, albeit not in the ways that are tangible or even measurable.

So I guess when people ask, how's married life, I should be saying great, never better, never happier. Because it's true. Nothing has changed, yet it has. And I feel more at peace in my life than ever before. Will that stay? Who knows. Am I just in the honeymoon phase? Possibly. But since I am not really the gushy type, I don't say these things. I don't know how to explain the why behind the happiness ... at least not until now (and even now I'm not so sure that I've done so without muddling things up).  I know that a lot of newlyweds say that marriage did change something, maybe it's for the same reasons or maybe it's for entirely different reasons... but I guess that am officially added to the crowd of couples out there that believe that there was something transcendent about the ceremony itself and that on some level, though I struggle to express it and end up sounding like it's all about reassurance and security when it's more than that, that getting married has had an impact on us and our relationship.

wedding photos

For those who are curious, here are a few of our wedding photos on Francois Bergeron's blog:

and we're back

Here is just a preview of my honeymoon pictures, taken with my new, fancy, schmancy camera. Lavender, it was everywhere we went. So I thought that it'd be appropriate to write my first return post in hommage to one of the scents that dominated my time in the south of France.

Our trip was amazing. Even though it rained the last 2 days, we walked and explored everywhere. Nice made me realize that the world is full of amazing, beautiful places and there are so many places yet to be seen and experienced. (it also made me realize that I would be very happy to live in another country... far, far away from the cold!) I have so many adventures to share but alas, they'll have to wait a little longer. Between the influx of friends, family, wedding, and travel, wee ol' me hasn't had much time to really process any of it all just yet.

married!

So I am officially a married woman now. Craziness. The day was lovely and really nothing of importance went wrong. Hell to be honest, nothing really went wrong at all. I had a blast hanging out with family and friends. Highlights: watching my little brother dance with all the ladies, dancing with my other little brother, and tequila shots with the ladies. Oh, and sitting at the front of the church, next to my very new husband.

Yay, we did it. Only a few more days and France, here we come!

2 days left

Today and tomorrow: that's it.

We've got things under control, so far as I know (still waiting for some bomb to fall out of the woodwork). Although we're busy, which in itself is a bit overwhelming, I think we're both relatively calm.

What keeps popping up in my mind is "Holy shit, in 2 days I'm getting married!" I'm not freaked about the decision, nor having cold feet, but am sort of feeling in awe of the step I'm about to take. I don't know if I can put it into words better than that. For months and months we've been planning and the wedding has just sort of been part of everything, but as the day approaches I am really finding that the actual moment is really sinking in. And it's exciting, and HUGE! I'm going to walk down the aisle in front of all the people I love, and declare my love and commitment to Paul and suddenly that feels like a really big event, bigger than it has in all the months of wedding planning.

Craziness!

Weddings, Weddings, and More Weddings: Oh My!

It's been a busy week. From flower shopping and trial bouquet making, to introducing both full sets of parents over a casual pizza dinner, things have been so busy that even Karen, who is on BC time, is rolling into bed at around 10pm.

I made a trial bouquet and boutonniere, which given that it was a first attempt, I was relatively pleased with. My mother arrived yesterday, had a go at the boutonniere, and her results really put my work to shame. Good thing mom is around to coordinate flower preparation! Yay for mom's who can make flower arrangements.

Thankfully, I think, all issues have been put to bed and now Paul and I have nothing more to worry about other than organizing the logistics of it all. Yay. Holy crap, I'm getting married in 3 days. How crazy and exciting is that? We've got a fair amount to take care of in the final days, but I think it's safe to say that we both feel relatively calm because most things are ready to go and just waiting for the right time to be delivered/done, etc.

Maybe a zen Marya bride is possible after all???

On Choosing a hall vs other wedding reception venues

It's October, which means that in a few short days I'll be getting married. I can't believe it's almost here.

And lets face it, between now and the wedding, I'll be doing nothing but writing about wedding stuff if I write anything at all.

In the most recent wedding related news:

On Tuesday we went to taste the food and yesterday we finalized almost all the details with the hall. I have to say that I'm quite pleased with how lovely the hall has been in regards to taking care of all the details on the day of the wedding. They'll set up everything for us, from seating cards to bonbonnieres and cupcakes. All we have to do is bring them and they'll take care of it all. When we first were looking at halls, I have to admit that I wasn't all that keen because it felt less personalized but now, knowing that I will have nothing to do in terms of preparation on the day of the wedding, I'm very thankful that we went the hall route.

them catholic priest, they just keep on surprising me...

Yesterday we visited the church we're getting married in, in less than 2 weeks. EEK!

Secret confession: I think the reason that I like this church so much is that it reminds me of the church I grew up in. It looks different, and it's Catholic, not Anglican, but it just smells the same. I walk in and am filled with memories of being a child in church. From sitting on the pews and being restless, to thinking the best part was getting to sing and shaking people's hands. Anyways, what I wanted to say was that while we were sitting there I was overwhelmed, good overwhelmed, by the fact that in less than 2 weeks I'll be standing at the entrance of this church, between my parents, walking into a space that feels familiar to me, in order to get married. And that, that fills me with happiness. I might be off my rocker, but I feel like when I walk into that church with my mom, she'll get it. She'll totally know why if I had to get married in a church, why this was the church that I wanted to be married in.

And then, going to place where the priest probably never intended... the sermon was about this idea of heaven and hell and how heaven is more of a state of being than a place. That our souls are contained in our bodies but that we can be in heaven now or after death. But if heaven isn't a place (which is what we generally understand heaven to be) but rather a state of being, where do souls going after death? Are they walking amongst us, or merging with god, or evolving to a higher plane/dimension/alternate universe? It made me think about James Redfield's Celestine Prophecy, which I read years ago. (Yes, I suspect this is NOT what the priest intended at all...)! If we believe in a soul and this priest is right in saying that heaven is a state of being, are the concepts of nirvana and enlightenment, or shamanism even, really that far fetched. Oh yes, I'm sure that my new age interpretation of scripture doesn't adhere to Catholic scripture, then again, if the Bible is meant to be a metaphorical lesson/allegory, then why are we always bogged down in semantics instead of focusing on all the amazing possibilities that are afforded by looking at the various other religions and how the ideas can overlap to create a very rich idea of spirituality? Seriously, I find that far more intriguing than any one path and it seems far more in keeping with an idea of god's message than anything else. I mean seriously, if I was god, I'd totally want people to work together across borders and cultures, in order to get a richer sense of the world that was created. Yeah.

On the same vein...

Recently I read that women are slightly more likely (7%) to associate with a religion than men. Sitting in the congregation, soaking in memories of what church used to mean to me, I realized that if we were going to raise a child in a Catholic church, I would want it to be in a congregation like this one. Although he doesn't talk much about it, I know that I am sort of leading P away from the fold because of my questions and my insistence on having a spiritual life that is meaningful instead of by rote, which makes me wonder what that might mean in relation to the idea that women associate more with religion, however more slightly, than men. Is there any connection? I mean, if language, culture, and religion are typical taught at home by mothers, does it follow that the church (or spiritual) path of the family is often more influenced by the mother? And does this even bear any relevance nowadays when fathers play such a significant and involved role in parenting.

updates

I haven't been posting that much lately and I'm not sure if that has more to do with being busy or just feeling wedding'd out (meaning I am so focused on wedding stuff now but I'm sick of talking about it) or just emotionally drained as we head into our final stretch of preparations. My vote goes with it being a combination of all 3!

But for the sake of sharing (cause we all know that I loooove to share)! Here the latest news in Marya-land:

This week has been a week of deliveries. I received the clutches I ordered from RedRubyRose on etsy, which are amazing. I'm soooo very pleased with them. And she wrapped them so beautifully that I actually felt like I was opening a present. It was exciting!

We picked up registry gifts (thanks j & s)! Yay, presents. Of course we don't expect gifts, but I won't deny that it's exciting to get them when they arrive.

On Sunday I went to a stitch and bitch brunch with grad school friends and was astounded by A's crazy crepe making skills and amused by V's enthusiastic love of food. In fact, it just made my day to watch her glee over chocolate and crepes. It made me realize that it's rare that girls express such enthusiasm over food, so it was refreshing to witness. (I'm sure she'd be thrilled to know that I just blogged about this!) Anyways, it was fun and relaxing.

7 lessons from wedding planning

The pre-wedding list of things wedding planning has taught me thus far:

1. Don’t expect your friends and family to be as into the “big day” as you are.
Inevitably, despite wanting to be there for you, their enthusiasm will wax and wane dependent on their level of interest. They may start off enthusiastic but fade away somewhere in the middle as boredom about hearing all the details/ideas sets in. That said, sometimes friends and family will surprise you in areas/ways/times you least expect. In the beginning everyone offers to help, some of them will follow through, some won’t. But no one will help if you don’t ask. The offers are only as good as your delegation skills are! When they offer, let them jump in and help even if you have a hard time letting go of the detail because you’ll be uber thankful for that help later! (Shout out to V: thanks for the cupcakes! You were right and you have no idea how much I appreciate you taking care of this and letting me sit back and be pampered in this way. Sooo glad that I’m not making 120 cupcakes!) With just over 3 weeks to go, I’m finding that my friends are starting to surface and regain their enthusiasm for the big day. It couldn’t have come at a better time! Until then, find a community of people who are there to support you and are going through the same process (for me this was OBT and for us the Catholic Marriage Prep course—brief though it was—was a nice experience (not for the lessons) but because all the couples were in the same place, often dealing with the same issues).

2. Be realistic about Do It Yourself (DIY) projects.
Sometimes these projects take more time than expected, more money than you want to spend, and better abilities than you might have. Sometimes they require that you practice a few times before you get it right, which means supplies, time and effort. Do you really have these things available? Is it really worth the effort and time to you? Are you a perfectionist and if so, will it always bother you that what you created doesn’t necessarily match the ideal vision you had of the item in your head or inspirational image? Pick your DIY battles wisely, start early, get as much done as possible before the final countdown, and then let go of the rest (let someone else do, pay someone, or just don’t include it). This is where it becomes important to stop reading too many wedding blogs/sites because you’ll keep getting ideas for your big day. At a certain point there is only so much you can do and want to do.

3. Sometimes less is more and sometimes it isn’t.
We looked at over 10 halls/venues and booked the very first one we saw. We ended up going with the first church that I found that appealed to us even though we went back and forth between 2 other churches and visited another one in our neighbourhood. It took time and caused anxiety and made the decision harder. Sometimes your time and effort is more valuable than making sure that you’ve seen every venue out there. Sometimes it’s not. We looked at countless photography websites before narrowing our list down. It was overwhelming and exhausting. After a while they all started to look the same. I fell in love with a photographer from across the country (and am still in love with her work). Was it worth it? Yes. Why? Because it was the very last photographer we found, of all places, on facebook, that we booked and I love his work. The price was right, the pictures he’s done are gorgeous, and he fits what we need and want better than all the others did. I’m thrilled that we held out, even if it was an exhausting process.

4. Don’t compare weddings.
There will always be a wedding that is prettier, more creative, more original, or more you than your own wedding is. There will be other dresses, rings, decorations, readings, and other things that someone else has that will fill you with longing, envy and make you second guess your own choices. Do the best you can and make the day as much your own as you can. Be inspired by others, but don’t let it fill you with angst or doubt. Inevitably there will be elements in those amazing weddings that you won’t like, or cost beyond your budget, or just don’t fit with your own needs. (Read the fine print on all those wedding blogs out there: you’d be amazed by just how many of those featured are done by wedding planners… hello, cha-ching… most of us don’t have the means to fund such elaborate events!)

5. Everyone will tell you it’s your day, and it is, up to a certain point!
Everyone, your family, your friends, your colleagues, will be full of words of wisdom and tell you it’s your special day and you should do what you want, what reflects you as a couple, and in their heart of hearts, they mean it, as long as it fits their image of what should be done. And that’s the key. When you cross the line of their vision/expectation you wander into no man’s land. Where that line is will depend on the person’s threshold of tolerance and expectation. For some it’ll be loose and malleable: jump over a broomstick, no problem, wear a red dress, awesome; diy your wedding bouquet, great idea; don’t invite the extended family, WTF! For others the line will be more rigid: get married outside, not ok; no flower girl, but what will people think… And so on and so forth. At this point you have 2 options: work from within the boundaries expected and strive to make the day yours in other ways OR put your foot down and never look back. But whichever path you choose, you both have to agree on it and then stick to it. We made the mistake of wavering between the 2 and it caused us a lot of misery. It also prompted a lot of heated debates between us as a couple.

6. Learn how to “fight” with your partner.
By this I mean learn how to fight constructively. Choose your battles, learn where your boundaries are, figure out when you need to fight it out or let it go, and most importantly find language to communicate to each other that you’re not in the space to have this conversation right now because you can’t think objectively. (Which also implies: learn how to accept that from your partner). Rebecca Mead, in her book One Perfect Day, talked about why we feel the need to make the wedding planning process so difficult and angst ridden as a society (in our quest to make the day unique) and for me, I think the biggest answer is to learn how to deal with conflict with your partner and to carve out your boundaries (between the 2 of you and between your families). We don’t have a lot of rites of passage anymore in our society, and most of those that remain have been heavily commercialized (yes, weddings, I’m talking about you) but regardless of your age, there is something about the planning process that, for me, is about really claiming your couple-dom and defining it within your family structures and as a cohesive unit, all of which you can do before getting engaged (or without ever getting married) but the planning process has really reinforced the process.

7. When all else fails, find a safe place to scream, yell, or cry.
Sometimes there are going to be moments during planning that your partner won’t be there for you (hopefully it’s not often, but there will be times). Sometimes there will be times when your partner can’t be there for you. Sometimes you need to let off hurt, anger, or frustration alone (either because you need alone time or because letting it out would actually hurt your partner). This has been one that I’ve had a hard time negotiating. I’m a complainer. I vent. And sometimes I’ve really trodden on my partner’s feelings/enthusiasm because what for me is just venting is actually hurtful to him because he hears it as being blame and lack of enthusiasm. And granted, sometimes it is. So I’m learning to yell out loud in the car ride home with the windows rolled up to let it out before I get home so that we can have a grounded conversation. Or I write in my journal. But I’ve really had to learn when to vent and when to shut my mouth and keep it to myself in order for him to feel like I’m still in this with him (which is a lesson I think was important for me to learn for our marriage (don’t worry, this lesson goes both ways—he’s had to learn to share his feelings or engage in mine) but he needs to know I’m in this with him. And I am. I might not like some of the shit that has come our way through the process but I am excited about marrying him and spending the rest of my life with him. I’m excited about walking down the aisle and seeing him at the end. I’m excited about dancing our first dance together. And I’m excited about sharing OUR day with our dearest family and friends. So after you’ve let it out, and told your partner you love him/her, you let it go and make the best of it all on your big day because your attitude on that day, will set the tone for the day (or so I’ve been told).

girl's weekend: thalis, spas, and politics

When the boy goes out, the girl comes out to play...

I had such a lovely weekend. It was full of girl time and relaxation and was exactly what I needed as the wedding day approaches. Friday night Indian food and beer with a friend from grad school (thank you Heather for loving Indian food as much as I do and always being game for veggie thalis!). And Saturday was brunch and the spa with my old boss, Jen. We went to spa Finlandais and enjoyed the hot baths and I splurged on a facial. It was really nice. Rounded off the weekend with big conversations with Virginia, a friend from undergrad and Karen, whom I've known since college, while I baked cookies and apple crisp. Yup, it was a nice, relaxing weekend, sans Paul. And then Paul came home and we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie together...

I couldn't have asked for a nicer, calmer weekend.

Ironically last night I had my first wedding dream. In it, we forgot the wedding speeches and I mysteriously had a 4 year old daughter with sandy blonde pigtails and blue-green eyes. I didn't tell Paul about the kid part of the dream! I figure that if the worst wedding dream I have is forgetting the speeches, that's totally fine.

In other news, it looks like Canada is gearing up for yet ANOTHER election. While part of me rues the fact that millions of dollars are going to be wasted on an election when we're in a recession, another part of me hopes that this is finally the election that ousts Harper from the government. And even though the election hasn't been called, the fact that there are ads for Ignatieff already out pretty much assures me that it's on its way. Normally I vote according to my conscience and support the party that I believe the most in (really, I live in a Bloc stronghold so voting strategically is a mute point), but now I'm wondering about that option. Do I want to vote for Ignatieff? Anything has got to be better than Harper? Let the numbers speak? Will it make any difference? Or should I vote with my party allegiance and support a party financially even if it has no chance of getting into parliament? I really think that there is something seriously flawed with our electoral system if, even before I vote, I know that my vote is null and void. Sure I can vote to support a party locally but right now I don't care about local governance (the provincial election covers that for me) and I want my vote to be tallied in the total numbers for the figurehead of the nation. I know that the American system has it's own share of flaws but I would really like to see Canadian politics tally the votes by individuals for the political leader vs the local representation. Because then the election might have a bit more relevance for the individual voter in political strongholds.

A girl can dream, can't she?