art scrapbook page

On our honeymoon we visited the Picasso museum in Antibes. It was pretty neat actually.

I appreciate Picasso’s art, but am not a big fan. The museum however, featured his sculptures, which I’d never seen before and they were pretty amazing.

One thing that I learned from this project? I gotta get me more circle punches cause I can’t cut a proper circle if my life depended on it!

wedding stories

I promised myself that I would finish our wedding album this year.

It may have been too lofty a goal, I admit that now. Especially given that the stories I want to tell evolve so much over time and well, frankly, I have a complex relationship with weddings.

I don’t believe that our wedding date is the date that we should count. By that date, we’ve only been together under 2 years. And yet, we’ve really been together 5 1/2 years. The wedding was more a societal seal of approval, a ritual for others, a public way to lend authority to a relationship that already had permanence between the 2 of us.

I know, you’re probably wondering why the hell I ever got married! But truth be told, I always wanted to be married. I always envisioned it as something I would do and that it would be a moment I would share with my dearest friends and family.

That said, has anything really changed between the 2 of us since getting married? Yes and no. Yes because it gave weight and stature to our relationship in the eyes of others, which meant that it was easier to define ourselves as a couple and as having importance to one another in their eyes. But honestly, mostly no. We are still the same just with a legal framework.

All of this is why, for me, creating a wedding scrapbook becomes a bit convoluted. I want to do it because we have all these great photos from that day, but I’ll never be someone who sees it as being the best day of my life. Or even as a day that defines me.

It was a great learning experience that taught me a lot about myself, my partnership, and negotiating family. It taught me who was there for me and who wasn’t. And most importantly all the diy wedding projects, probably much to my husband’s chagrin, rekindled my crafty nature. And for that, my artistic soul is eternally grateful.

So now, as I contemplate what stories I want to write on this particular wedding page, I find myself wanting to talk about things that came before, or after, the “big” day. Because honestly, how many ways can I tell the story of one day? Especially when we have over 5 years of laughter together?

How on earth am I going to choose 2 (or 1 long one) to fit into the boxes I’ve created on this page? These days I’m really striving to tell stories that go beyond what the photos themselves already tell, which is tricky but is also changing the nature of the pages I’m creating. Hopefully, in the end, all the story telling angst will lend itself better to a reflection of me, us, and the life we’ve lived.

more bc trip scrapbooking

Yes, this is my husband at a bar standing next to a bra on the wall! Just a day or 2 after he proposed, I should add. How many lucky guys have a fiance (now wife) who takes them to dingy bars full of bras on the wall only days after proposing? Hmmm? My husband should count his blessings!

More photos from our BC 2008 trip. Yes, this is how far behind I am in terms of scrapbooking our stories! Don't even ask about the pre 2008 pages...

More things that I'm learning: I like circles. Much to Paul's chagrin cause he hates circles! HA. I can't help but enjoy the irony of it. He's going to have to live with albums and albums of photo memories in geometric shapes that he loathes! Well, if it bothers him that much, maybe he'll start scrapbooking his own pages to add into the books.

To be fair, while he doesn't like the circles, he's very helpful when it comes to colour palette selections. I don't know about other scrapbookers out there, but I subject my husband to a cruel form of artistic support torture: the final page colour selection.

In other words, I'll narrow down the colour choices and then make him look over all the choices in combination with the photo(s) in order to make the final choice (that I can never seem to do myself - too many options = paralyzed indecisive libra rising Marya).

a little love goes a long way, so a lotta love goes even further…

So I’ve been told by my middle brother that I need to put up less cat photos on my blog cause I’m starting to look like a crazy cat lady!

Don’t you just love brothers?

Since it’s Valentine’s day, I would just like to take a moment to share some of the ways that my lovely, wonderful husband spoiled me this year, even after writing this blog post about the big V day.

He took me to a concert:

The group, Straight No Chaser, wasn’t something that I’d have normally signed up for myself. But honestly. They were awesome. Funny and great singers. Best performance of the concert? Toss up between their Lady Gaga mash up and their Staying Alive/Superstition mash up.

Beautiful Flowers:

Need I say more?

And finally, V-day double date with Paul and my brother in law and his gf.

Yum, Tibetan Om. I love me some momos!

So even though he can be a jerk, asshole, or schiezer (all adjectives I frequently remind him of, endearingly of course) he’s pretty awesome, all in all. Love you sweetie!

being a guest at a wedding, post wedding experience

It’s been busy over here in Marya-land. My cousin-in-law got married this past weekend, so we were fully immersed in wedding festivities.

We made our very own wedding card (yes, we, together, 50/50):

In an effort to really be present during the event, I left the camera at home (because let’s face it, if you’re busy taking pictures you tend to not be actually participating in the moment as much). But I had to share this one picture of the 2 of us, all dolled up, taken with my iPhone (you can dress me up, take my camera away, but don’t you dare ask me to leave my favourite toy at home!)

As my very dapper looking husband pointed out, it was very different to be a wedding guest after we’d gone through the process ourselves. Really. Different.

Just before our wedding, I went to other weddings with an eye towards the things they’d done (you know, scoping out what I wanted for our own big day), and this time, well, as I watched the day from the outside in, I found myself nostalgic about our own big day.  I actually found myself a lot more weepy than I’ve ever been before. And filled with love for my husband and the adventures we’ve been through together since then.

We grew so much as a couple through the process and it was a rite of passage that I may not have needed (I don’t think that marriage is required for a commitment), but one that am thankful for nonetheless.  And I’m glad that being a guest at someone else’s wedding helped to remind me of that and to put my own experiences into perspective.

And to my cousins-in-law… best wishes for a life full of joy, love and laughter!

updates: 1 year anniversary, quilting and gym memberships

So Paul and I have survived our first year of marriage. We celebrated by heading up to the Laurentian, hiking in the fall forests and a nice dinner out.

Everyone say that the first year of marriage is the hardest… and ours was definitely full of changes. We married, traveled to France, flew home because of family stuff in the New Year, had my baby brother move in with us, sold our condo, paid off most of my student loans, moved above the in laws for more space and to save money, adapted to life with a 20 year old (I love you little brother but there’s a big difference between 20 and 33), traveled again to Cuba, and started saving for our down payment. Like I said, our first year of marriage has been busy. And if the first year is really the hardest then I’m looking forward to year 2 being calmer, but I suspect it won’t be.

In between all the chaos that has marked this past year, I’ve learned so much about myself and my husband and I know that every year we spend together will only reveal more. It never ceases to amaze me how complex people are and how you never really know someone completely because time continues to peel back layer after layer even as we continue to grow into ourselves.

And I am immensely grateful for having a partner who encourages my growth and supports my many interests and projects.

The latest being a quilting adventure. We gave the blanket to the couple on Friday, last week and yay, it was a hit. It’s nerve racking wondering if all your time and effort is well received or if the recipient feels more like, yeah, I would have preferred something bought and less handmade. But as far as I can tell, that wasn’t the case, so I’m relieved!

Now on to the next adventure… couples gym membership. I have to cut back on the Nia because of my knee (too many quick movement and turning is making things worse again), so we’ve decided to join a gym together this winter. I’ve never joined a gym with a boy before… so we’ll see how it influences the dynamic.

wedding scrapbook: my little brothers

Disclaimer: the colour of this photo is a little off because I took it at night with the lights on and it has picked up on the yellowish tones from the light.

The page itself is fairly simple. I inked it with black and burgundy (Holtz distressing ink in Victorian), stitched one of the flowers by hand and added 2 buttons. The frame for the picture is made up of 2 stamped images that were embossed and cut out.

It's a simple page but I wanted the focus to be on the 3 of us and the fact that my baby brothers tower over me.

wedding scrapbook: colour coordination

That's right, it's another wedding album page! Yay... wedding albums. At this rate I might actually have the book done by then of the month! Only 8 months later but whose counting?



It's a simple page. I think it's sort of funny. I love busy pages, but find myself making simpler and simpler pages. Go figure!

No gold to be found on this page. Just a simple black and white palette so that the colours in the photos could stand on their own.

When I was making this page, I was struck by how much everyone was unintentionally colour coordinated. Grandma with her purple tied in with Mom's teal and purple and Dad's light purple shirt. Rebecca's blue matched with Mom and Grandma. What makes it even more ironic is the fact that Paul's Mom managed to match up with my family too! Her dark blue pulled into the colour coordination quite well! How on earth did 4 women, in 4 different cities, (and not related), manage to pull that off?

wedding scrapbook: buttons

So this page gets no journaling. I was journaled out by this point!

However, that said, on some level the page tells a story just for me because the colours represent my mom's favourite colours and the colours in the kitchen we grew up in. That, paired with my mom laughing at the wedding makes this page really speak about family for me. Something about having my not so little, little brothers, my parents laughing, and the colours makes this page feel very much about all about my side of the family.  I know that doesn't get translated to others but it's there for me. 

(oh yeah, the red looks crooked, but it's not, it's just the angle that the page was photographed and the curve of the page).

wedding scrapbook: scraplift

This page, is to some extent, a scraplift. I saw the page inspiration ages ago, printed it, added it to my journal of crafty ideas, (with no credit of course-I really need to work on recording that information in my personal stash) and I thought that I would give it a try on one of my wedding pages.

The inspiration page used yellow splattered paint on the left side of the page with the photo and stickers on the left with it. (The original had hearts). My photo woudl have been cut off if I'd chosen to mimic the page exactly, so I flipped the page. I also flipped the title/journal locations based on open space and the title I wanted.

I find myself using a lot of gold in my wedding album. I don't know if this is going to be a trend in my scrapbooking in general (which would be strange since I never wear or use gold anywhere else in my life). But I find myself constantly drawn to the gold. Maybe I'll gold myself out by the end of the project, who knows!

The flowers are embossed in silver (which ended up getting lost when heat embossed) and then coloured with a white gel pen to make them pop more. 

I love that one of the elements that appeal to me most, the cut out letters in the title, is actually a fix that I made based on a stamping error (brought to you by the letter b in the word anb). I couldn't just add a square in the one word and leave the rest cause that would draw attention to the mistake, so all the words got a revamp.

wedding scrapbook: bookring bearers

Another wedding scrapbook page. Just you wait, you think you're tired of seeing them already but there are oh so many more to go!

Saturday morning my nephews came up to visit and we played with auntie Marya's stamps. In keeping with their stamping pleasures, I thought that I'd stack this page with fun stamps, just for them. I think they'll like seeing themselves with all those stamps!

Anyways...

One of the things that I find difficult is the journaling aspect of scrapbooking. Coming up with titles and journal pages is really tricky for me. I think I might be over-thinking the process. I want the info to be relevant to the picture, but also something that my kid will enjoy reading one day, and I find that really hard to figure out. I mean, what details do you add when you've either talked a subject out, have created several scrapbook pages on the event already, or are looking for something pertinent to one particular photo? Therein lies my conundrum: too much thought going into choosing the right words!

Here I opted to talk about our show stopping cute nephews. Some thought it was strange that we had no flower girl but honestly, given that we have no nieces, we felt that having both our nephews was more fitting. They were so nervous that they had to be walked down the aisle, but they were adorable in their little suits. Crap, I should have written that too!

wedding scrapbook: lessons in scrapbooking

I’ve been avoiding scrapbooking for the past little while as I have been busy exploring other creative outlets a lot lately. I’ve made cards galore and have started art journaling. In true Marya form, I have a million projects on the go at once. So I thought it was time to unpack more of my craft room and get to work on another wedding scrapbook page:

I used some new K&Co stickers that I received from my secret sister (via Simply Scrapping) and various pages that I had in my stash. I should keep track of these things for blogging purposes, but honestly, the fact that the pages are even somewhat organized is miracle enough! I cut the brown page shorter so that I could add the green backdrop for journaling.


The ribbons on the page come from leftover wedding supplies (cream from my bouquet and the floral ribbon from the ring books I made). I felt like the page needed some pop so I cut out flowers from another page and layered them onto this one (some are flush with the paper, others raised on 2 different level foamy stickers).

In order to make the photo pop more, I sponge painted the cream background (behind the photo) with gold ink and water and added gold to the paper trimming around the background.  Paul thinks the photo still blends in too much but I was kind of looking for a more monochromatic effect so it doesn’t bother me that much. What do you think? I could go back in and add a second sponge colour or pull up the photo and add another contrast paper colour (probably the same green I used for the top and bottom).

The other problem with the page is the way the ribbon gathered. I think I pulled one part tighter than the other and now I need to go back and loosen it so both gathers look the same. Ironically, the gather that you see in the photo above looked nicer off the page than the one on the left (see top photo). But now I’d like both gathers to look like the left hand one. But it was the first time that I tried to gather a ribbon, based on my guesstimation of how it would be done, so it’s not terrible. It actually photographs worse than it looks.

spiritual rehab

Currently reading Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed and as I read it I inevitably think about my own marriage process. The ultimate conclusion I've made so far, keeping in mind that the Pope is an ass and now blaming homosexuals for pedophilia in the church, is that I resented the process.

Yup, I resented planning my wedding. I resented having to accommodate anyone's wishes other than mine or my partner's. It drove me batty, made me miserable, and filled me with anger throughout the entire process.
It was exhausting and I hated having to take so many other people's opinions into consideration. Maybe that only reveals how willful and selfish I am, but so be it. In as much as I loved planning an event and all the decor elements, I did not deal well with having my choices dictated to me out of consideration for others.

All that aside though, what I am really contemplating right now is what my unwillingness to consider others when it comes to decision making really reveals about me and by extension, my culture. I was raised to believe in individualism, and my sense of self makes me completely resistant to wanting to compromise on the BIG things. I want to act with integrity and stick to my ideals and values, but those values are my own, not ones that are proscribed by another group. So what happens when the twain shall never meet?

The answer at the moment? Spiritual burnout. Yup, that's right. At this moment in time, I feel the need to emerse myself in a world entirely of my own making, surrounded by like-minded people because honestly, I don't know how much longer I can take a world full of conservative values and rationalized belief systems that turn a blind eye to all the flaws inherent within the system. Because I just don't know how we got to a place that is so far from where we want to be. And I want to be in a place with people who feel the same way, and who are striving to make a change, instead of just complaining about it. So where oh where do you find such a place? Cause I'd really like to know...

in search of creative, crafty culture…

 

Lately, I have to admit, that I’ve been feeling somewhat distant from my good friends. There’s no one particular reason for this, nothing has happened to cause this distance, but I feel it nonetheless.

 

I love my friends. I do. I’ve been blessed in life to have several amazing ladies in my life, new and old, who have traveled down my various paths with me. But right now I sort of feel like I’m on the path alone. That most of my friends and I are in very different places.

 

I don’t have children, nor am I single. We’re not ready for children and I don’t fit into the baby club. I have a career and am no longer a student, I’m not really interested in clubbing anymore, nor do I want to watch my friends pick up (not that I ever did really, to be honest… though I loved dancing). But the point is, I’m not looking for love or validation or a one night stand.  Most of the time I would rather stay home and do crafts or have a small dinner party with drinks and board games. I have Nia 2x a week and would like to get back into yoga. I’m enjoying living a life that nurtures me and my awakening creativity.

 

And that’s the crux of it really. Because I don’t feel like I’m looking for all those other things anymore (work, love, home, etc), I feel like my focus has started to turn inwards and that I’m once again working on the things that I always wanted in life: creativity, spirituality, balance. And as much as I love my friends, I’m starting to realize that most of them aren’t currently searching for those things…. not that they don’t care about those things, but that they are busy working on other things. So I don’t feel like I have much to say anymore because on the surface I suspect my life looks pretty mundane and boring but yet, I feel like I’m rediscovering the artist within me. And I love that feeling. I love who and what it is revealing about me.

 

So when I talk to my friends, well I fill the space with the various updates, I’m fine, Paul’s fine, my brother is fine. Or vents, I’m not sure if my job is long term, Paul’s family (in-laws), my brother still isn’t working…  But the thing is, at the end of the day, all of the surface things that are happening aren’t really what I want to be talking about.

 

I want to talk about what it means to be creating a book of memories, journaling a history for that child I may have one day in the not so distant future, what new skills I’m learning, what I want to do with them and the visions I have for my new craft room and home, how can I take art journaling off the page and bring it into my home and can I build something more out of it? Do I need to take art and sell it or can I find a balance between creating and storing/using said items? I want to think about artistic retreats and down time to write out a draft of the story(ies) in my head. I want to talk about how Nia started out as exercise but is slowly transforming into something more.

 

But those aren’t really stories I can share with my nearest and dearest because they’re not the stories they are interested in right now. Oh, they’d listen, but they wouldn’t really have anything to offer back and what I’m craving most right now is a dialogue about those things, not partying or poop….

am i too selfish to be a mom?

I’m 33. And let’s face it; the maternal clock has started ticking. Over the past couple of years, my husband and I have been weighing in on the issue of parenthood , debating whether or not it’s really something we want for ourselves in life. One week it’ll be a yes, another a no. [Ok, for my husband the time line pendulum is more like month to month, whereas for me it’s more like week to week]. As more and more people around me start having babies, I’m constantly confronted by the fact that I still don’t know if I really want to make all the necessary sacrifices needed in order to be a mother.

Perhaps I should have embraced motherhood when I was younger, less set in my ways, and more ignorant of just how much motherhood would demand of me. Because now that I'm really aware of the commitment, it is very daunting! But alas, I didn't follow that route. Having grown up with foster kids and seeing first hand some of the challenges that families face when there's not enough money, maturity, (or other reasons), it was more important for me to be at a place where I was ready to be a mother than anything else. Yes, I know that no one is ever really ready - but I wanted to be in a place where I was a ready as possible before bringing a kid into this world. And I still stand by that decision because as a child of a single mother (though she remarried) and as a member of a family who fostered other people’s kids, I know firsthand that just because you want to and can be a mother doesn’t necessarily mean you should be.

The thing is, although I was definitely selfish when I was younger; I expect that in some ways I’m actually even more selfish now. I have a certain standard of living that I want to maintain. At the moment I have the luxurious ability to travel, shop, or just spend the day thinking only of myself. Motherhood would change all of that and I don’t know that I’m all that up for that change. Don’t get me wrong, I know that parenthood comes with its own set of joys and rewards, but when I think of how hard it’ll be to travel, or how limited my free time will be… yeah… I won’t lie, it gives me pause. Then there's the angst of bringing a life into such a messed up world. I mean... will my children grow up to see a time when there's not enough water or energy? Or worse? You know? It gives me pause...

Added to that is the fact that my 20 year brother recently moved in with us and it’s been an eye opening experience to realize how difficult it is to negotiate the line between sitting back and giving him the space to make his own decisions/mistakes/learning experiences and be there to support him. On top of that, I’ve been negotiating the strange divide between needing to have things my way and learning to stand back and accept that sometimes I need to put him and his needs first. And I’m not always so gracious about doing that. Really… it’s not an easy thing for me to do.

So while I know that I’m sort of walking into a quasi parenthood situation with a full grown person and the issues are different… the tail end experience of quasi parenting has made me realize that I’m not so sure that I’m up to the challenge of caring so much and yet having to trust enough to let go. It’s made me wonder if I’m actually capable of putting someone else first, all of the time.

I suppose that one could argue that raising a child from infancy would bring about an entirely different perspective on the issue… but I’m not so sure. I mean… I want to take my Nia courses 2x a week, read my book when I feel like it, and spend the day out with girlfriends, and having a child would mean sacrificing a lot of that… Would it be worth it? Someone once told me that that motherhood was the single greatest thing she’s done in her life [in spite of the fact that she knows that her kids aren’t always happy with the way they were raised] and that being a mother teaches us to be less selfish. I don’t disagree with that and understand how being less selfish is a difficult lesson worth learning, but would I be able to maintain my sense of self in the face of so many sacrifices for a child?

Because even though everyone says they won’t only talk about their kids, they inevitably do. From dirty diapers at the dinner table to playground issues at school… my parent friends’ lives have become subsumed by the details of their children’s lives. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But is it for me?

On the other hand, to be fair, I read about all these new mom bloggers who are doing amazing things during the early stages of motherhood and I'm awed by their ability to pull it all off (publishing graphic novels, building an online empire, marketing for an online company, copy-writing from home, etc, etc..). How do these women find the time? And will I be able to be one of those women, you know, the ones that roll with motherhood but let motherhood only be a part of who they are and not all of who they are? Because that, well that is something that I really aspire to achieve.

All that to say... the jury is still out even though the pendulum is currently shifted in favour of labour.

starting a wedding scrapbook

 

My mother-in-law seems to have really liked the gift. Apparently now she knows that I love her. She wasn’t sure because I didn’t call for her birthday (I thought Paul calling would be enough but it apparently isn’t). Suffice to say, I must care if I spent the past month working on this project!

 

So now, I go back to the land of 12x12 in order to create a wedding scrapbook for Paul and I.

 

Here’s the book’s first page:

We had an Asian inspired wedding, so when I found this page, I thought it was perfect. I decided to keep the elements on the page simple in order to really let the paper speak for itself.

 

I only added the image, text, and swirly border stuff, which still distracts from the page but less so than it does in these pics. I had to use flash to get the colours right but that meant that the light bounces off everything BUT the fabric border!

Save the Date page:

 

For some reason, gold seems to be the dominant colour that I keep playing with. Not sure but I figure it’s sort of Asian inspired, so I’m just going to go with it.

 

 

Getting Engaged:

 

I wanted to try creating a page that told a visual history of us prior to getting engaged, so the pics should all be couple pics that are from before or just around the time we got engaged. Other people’s weddings, new york, bc, cuba… and then the largest image from just after we shared the news!

 

Paul should thankful that I only said we got engaged in front of Grandma’s… cause his proposal, though in keeping with us, is not the most romantic of tales… more a comedy of errors really. But we like to laugh, so it’s fitting!

 

 

So those are my latest adventures in scrapbooking….

 

I’ve been reading about a more journal based scrapbooking, and I think that once I’m finished this album, I may have to give it a gander! (Ha, I just wanted to write gander!)

 

love

 

Don’t you just hate it when your partner goes and does something nice for a special day and then you end up looking like the insensitive ass…. you know, after weeks of being told that 4 years together doesn’t count cause now that we’re married the clock has been reset? Yeah… gotta hate that!

 

But yay… stargazer lilies! So pretty and nummy smelling too.

mother – daughter relationships

Once upon a time I called my mother for everything. Literally, everything. All of my life decisions were vetted by mom for advice and feedback. Not that I actually did what she advised most of the time. I’m quite contrary by nature (Marya, Marya, quite contrary-a). She’d say go left and then I’d go right. I just needed her to say go left in order for me to be sure that I really wanted to go right! :)

From moving to Montreal, to being cheated on by my ex, from deciding to change my undergrad program in order to go to grad school, to deciding whether or not I was ready for marriage, to going to India or dealing with student loan anxieties, Mom has always been on the other end of the phone to listen and help me sort through what I really wanted (often listening to the same conversation over and over again as I processed my angst and indecision).

However, recently something has changed. I no longer turn to her for everything anymore. And even when I do, the nature of our conversations is vastly different. Don’t get me wrong, she still listens and gives advice but there’s something in the nature of our conversation that is changed. And the only thing that I can identify it as is adulthood. I don’t need my mom to approve or disapprove of my choices anymore. And I don’t really need her advice in order to know what I want. So the conversations are different because I’m not really looking for advice, which I’m sure she’s aware of, but merely slipping back into our pattern of behaviour even though it’s sort of an empty process now.

Ironically, I think that wedding planning is what brought us to this place. Without going into details, wedding planning was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back and dragged me out of my co-dependent relationship with my mother. Somewhere along the line, I’ve switched from needing my mother to not needing her anymore. It’s a weird and somewhat liberating, yet sad place to find myself in. I’m all grown up. It’s been sneaking up on me for a while now, but now it’s here and there’s no denying it.

Girl, you’re a woman now….

best of 2009: challenge & growth

The life lessons learned from bride-land...

So while I promise that not all of my blog posts will be about getting married, this particular subject MUST be about the wedding because nothing in 2009 taught me more than wedding planning.

 

Here are the highlights:

 

 Conflict negotiation, aka, knowing when to pick your battles
 Emotional stress management
 Compromise
 How to be a better partner
 Event planning, this includes follow through, multi-tasking, and delegating
 Letting go of expectations and learning what my limits are
 Recognizing what is realistic and what is idealistic
 And my all time favourite, embracing your creative self

 

Many of these items are to be expected when you sit down and start planning a wedding. But some of them completely caught me by surprise. I mean, I never expected that wedding planning would teach me so much about my relationship with my partner. Sure, I knew there’d be compromises (and big ones given that we are an agnostic/Catholic, liberal/traditional couple [guess which one I am!]) but I was often surprised by some of the issues that actually required and didn’t require negotiation. I mean, I knew that he wouldn’t really be interested in an Indian fusion wedding (no curries or saris for me) but I was surprised by how far my husband was willing to go with the Asian fusion theme we built our wedding around. In fact, he was downright into the entire decorating/planning when negotiating what Asian styled elements we’d add to our invites, wardrobe, and photography.

 

I also learned about skills and areas of interest that my partner had that I was previously not really aware of. He designed our invites and our save the dates. He took care of most of our paper/graphic elements during the event and I was surprised by how readily he took these projects on. Planning the wedding, despite being full of stress made me aware that I couldn’t have picked a better partner. There was none of the stereotypical gender divide. I didn’t plan 90% of the wedding. It really was a 50-50 partnership, which is exactly what I want our marriage to be.

 

Wedding planning also taught me a lot about some of the patterns and behaviours I have that strengthen and weaken our relationship. I’m a talker. And I talk, a lot. It can be a good thing at times because I don’t stew on my emotions and I talk my way through things. But sometimes that leaves Paul with no space to get a word in. I am ever so slowly working on giving him more time to work out his ideas and express his opinions before I jump in with my rebuttals, counterpoints, additions and everything elses. (I know he’s learned his own relationship related stuff, but that’s for him to discuss, not me). Sure I could have told you some/most of this before planning the wedding, but actually going through the process sort of forced me to actually work at recognizing when these patterns were happening and actually changing the patterns and improving how we communicate.

 

All in all, the experience challenged my expectations, demanded that I learn to let go, and helped me grow as a person, both individually and as a couple. To date, it has been one of the most challenging, frustrating, stressful, emotionally charged, obsessive compulsive, creative, and rewarding lessons of my life. I can’t even begin to do the process justice. I feel like it made me a better person.

 

Would I do it again? No. Would I do things differently? Not really. Am I happy that I did it? Yes, absolutely.

For more of my thoughts on lessons learned from the battlefield, go here.

married life

I've been struggling to express this idea for a while now, and still am, but here goes...

People always ask, how's married life? And my answer is always, pretty much the same as non-married life. Not much has changed. But the thing is, while that's true, it's also not completely true and it's taken me a while to figure out why. I mean, we lived together beforehand, we were committed beforehand, our moneys were shared beforehand... so ostensibly, nothing has changed. But it has, and I've finally figured out why.

While we dated, I asked myself a lot of questions like "are you sure?" "is this the one?" "can you live with his flaws, and he yours?" "do we argue well together" etc, etc....  Admitting this to others was always somewhat of a challenge for me because I always felt like it would be perceived as unhappiness or dissatisfaction in the relationship, when really, it had nothing to do with that. For those who know me personally, of course, the amount of over-analysis that went into these questions bordered on being manic, which probably acerbated the concerns they felt when the questions were raised.

However, throughout the marriage preparations something changed. I continued to ask these questions, most often to Paul (yes, you should feel sorry for him and applaud him for being such a patient and brave soul!) but somewhere in there, the questions were answered and now that the decision has been made, a sort of calm has set in. There's a sort of peacefulness in me and in my perception of the relationship that wasn't always there before. Which is weird really because on a logical level marriage has changed nothing. We were committed before the "I dos" and marriage really is no guarantee of anything other than saying that you'll fight it out before you walk away. Yeah, I know there are those who disagree but I'm from divorced parents and I know that some marriages last, and others don't - it depends on the work that the couple in question puts in... but that also holds true whether you're married or not (so I'm totally contradicting myself to some extent). And I don't know if it was really the wedding itself or the process leading up to it that brought about the change, but the change is there so the question is moot.

But who knows, maybe it's as simple as the fact that on some level I feel reassured that if the going gets tough, or we have some terrible argument, that he's committed to working it out and trying everything before walking away (and vice versa). Maybe not being married but having a child together would create that same sense of security. Maybe just knowing that the commitment was that solid, regardless of marriage, would have created that security and we would have gotten here anyways after a period of time and having really merging our lives together fully. The end results are the same regardless of the personal path that led us here, for me (and us, cause we've talked about it) marriage has changed us, albeit not in the ways that are tangible or even measurable.

So I guess when people ask, how's married life, I should be saying great, never better, never happier. Because it's true. Nothing has changed, yet it has. And I feel more at peace in my life than ever before. Will that stay? Who knows. Am I just in the honeymoon phase? Possibly. But since I am not really the gushy type, I don't say these things. I don't know how to explain the why behind the happiness ... at least not until now (and even now I'm not so sure that I've done so without muddling things up).  I know that a lot of newlyweds say that marriage did change something, maybe it's for the same reasons or maybe it's for entirely different reasons... but I guess that am officially added to the crowd of couples out there that believe that there was something transcendent about the ceremony itself and that on some level, though I struggle to express it and end up sounding like it's all about reassurance and security when it's more than that, that getting married has had an impact on us and our relationship.