spiritual rehab

Currently reading Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed and as I read it I inevitably think about my own marriage process. The ultimate conclusion I've made so far, keeping in mind that the Pope is an ass and now blaming homosexuals for pedophilia in the church, is that I resented the process.

Yup, I resented planning my wedding. I resented having to accommodate anyone's wishes other than mine or my partner's. It drove me batty, made me miserable, and filled me with anger throughout the entire process.
It was exhausting and I hated having to take so many other people's opinions into consideration. Maybe that only reveals how willful and selfish I am, but so be it. In as much as I loved planning an event and all the decor elements, I did not deal well with having my choices dictated to me out of consideration for others.

All that aside though, what I am really contemplating right now is what my unwillingness to consider others when it comes to decision making really reveals about me and by extension, my culture. I was raised to believe in individualism, and my sense of self makes me completely resistant to wanting to compromise on the BIG things. I want to act with integrity and stick to my ideals and values, but those values are my own, not ones that are proscribed by another group. So what happens when the twain shall never meet?

The answer at the moment? Spiritual burnout. Yup, that's right. At this moment in time, I feel the need to emerse myself in a world entirely of my own making, surrounded by like-minded people because honestly, I don't know how much longer I can take a world full of conservative values and rationalized belief systems that turn a blind eye to all the flaws inherent within the system. Because I just don't know how we got to a place that is so far from where we want to be. And I want to be in a place with people who feel the same way, and who are striving to make a change, instead of just complaining about it. So where oh where do you find such a place? Cause I'd really like to know...

candles and sacred space

When the earthquake hit in Haiti, I was struck by how people responded to the crisis and left me wondering about some of our prayer traditions, even in secular circles. Namely, why do we light candles in remembrance and prayer? Is it a leftover from pagan traditions or Catholicism? And if so many of us aren't either, then why do we do it in moments of collective sorrow? Because we do. When there is a school shooting, we light candles, for 9/11, we lit candles, for major earthquakes, we light candles. We hold midnight vigils, with lit candles. What is it about this act of lighting a candle that we are so attached to?

What does it do?

Is it about comfort? Because let's face it, the warm glow of a candle is soothing. Or is it that the flames that lead us into quiet contemplation? Staring in the fire is sure to bring the least introspective of us into a meditative trance like state. Is that why candles appeal to us in these moments? Because they light the dark and allow us to look at the darkness within, a quasi beacon of hope to guide the way?

Or is it more about the ritual? About creating a sacred space?

In yoga and nia we start with acts that focus our intention. With Om or the act of stepping in, both traditions ask us to define our focus and create a sacred space before progressing. And soon the act becomes a ritual in and of itself and the mere act brings about the mental state we hope to develop within the practice.

Perhaps our candle vigils are a combination of these two elements. Whatever the case may be, lighting a candle or focusing my intention in order to create that sacred space, even if only for a few moments, really is a beautiful tradition.

the evolution of knowledge and religious texts

Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes I can't help but wonder at the fact that the world still believes in the same religions that were formed before we knew the earth was round or that bacteria existed, amongst other things.

It just strikes me as odd, when you look at it from a purely logical, academic point of view, that we adhere to religions that were recorded at a time when people still believed that a storm was a sign of god's wrath. Or laws guiding human behaviour and understanding of the nature of the world were codified but we had no understanding of how rain is formed.

I know that there are plenty of scientific minded devout individuals out there and I'm not pointing fingers at their faith. I'm just in awe at the fact that the words of the Torah, Koran, or Bible are still set in stone and not open for change or revision when our understanding of the world we live in has changed so very much since those words were written.

I'm just saying.... when I think about it, it just strikes me as odd that these sacred texts are cemented in time even though knowledge is fluid, and yet we do nothing to modify or update these texts to reflect the evolution of our world view/understanding. Sure the stories still have meaning and we can understand them allegorically and all that, but are they really all that accessible to the modern world any more?

anxiety, depression, and positive thinking

 

 

In my everyday life, I am surrounded by a lot of people who suffer from anxiety or depression. Both are diseases that I struggle to understand in order to be able to support the people in my life that face these issues.

 

The thing is, as much as I KNOW the symptoms and the how of both illnesses, I have to admit to still struggling to actually understanding why one person can control negative thoughts and emotions and why another can’t.

 

On some level it seems like such a simple thing: when you’re sad you drag yourself out and look for ways to find happiness. When you’re anxious, you stop and tell yourself to breathe and let go. Both are things I can do. But they aren’t things that some of the people in my life can do. And that fact just makes me so amazed by how complex the brain really is.

 

In New Age speak, there’s this idea that we manifest our own reality by willing and believing what we want into being, either negatively or positively. Obviously I’m reducing and over-simplifying for the sake of brevity. Mainstream views of the world toy with this concept and I suspect that on some level more people accept this than actually refute. After all, the power of positive thinking and prayer are part of our everyday vocabulary. From health issues to job hunting, we are surrounded by visualization techniques, calming routines, or various other practices, that all draw on this concept of making our dreams come true by manifesting the power of positive thinking.

 

But what happens when we can’t use this power in a positive way? If we can invite the positive in, can we also invite in the negative? Can we make our biggest fears reality? (Ok, just to clarify, I’m not talking about making the monster in the closet real here). Can our constant anxiety and fears of being misread, misheard, misinterpreted, mis-whatever lead to that being the way the world views us?

 

The question is rhetorical. Obviously I think the answer is yes.

 

So what can we do to change that? How do we create a brighter reality and vision when we can’t still the demons inside? Cause god only knows that it’s hard enough to do it when all the hormones and signals in our brains are functioning according to what is deemed acceptable! These thoughts are front and center in my mind these days as I attempt to help someone in my life face these challenges and deal with students at work with various learning and physical disabilities who are trying to finding coping mechanisms to deal with an ordinary world from the viewpoint of an extra-ordinary body or brain. (Like I said, I am surrounded by these issues)!

 

I’ve found myself giving a lot of thought to how the brain works and how our thoughts/behaviours/actions shape the reality we live in. I’m no expert and I still don’t have any answers. All I know is that as I try to help, I find myself often being torn between conventional thinking, new age philosophies, and questions about what is normal and why we deem it to be a hard and fast rule that must be adhered to. Einstein couldn’t tie his own shoelaces or pass math class; Beethoven was deaf; Van Gogh was manic; and Joan of Arc, well now we wonder if she might have been schizophrenic. So what’s so great about seeing the world according to everyday wisdom?

 

On the other hand, how do we function in an everyday world if we can’t do everyday tasks? From getting out of bed to taking the bus, depression and anxiety can make these tasks feel impossible. So how do we create coping mechanisms that help overcome these challenges to the point of being able to function within the confines of accepted society? What happens when our brain tells us that everyone is looking at us, and we can’t shut that off, and thus, end up creating situations where everyone really is looking at us?

 

These days I’m working on the premise that we learn to manage it by training our body and mind slowly, spoon by spoon, step by step, how to stand back, access, and go forward with the belief that things can be different. I guess I’m currently becoming a fan of the school of cognitive behavioural therapy (not that I really knew what that was a couple of years ago) mixed with a healthy dose of new age philosophy.

 

Give me a week or two and maybe I’ll have a different theory, but for now that’s all I’ve got.

a letter to the christians, upon the occasion of christmas

First of all, let me apologize for having hijacked your holiday. For that, as a secular agnostic, I am deeply sorry. This Santa Claus business, even though I am sort of fond of the big guy, really has sort of taken away from the original meaning of the big day. Let's face it, jolly ol' St Nick has got nothing to do with the birth of Jesus.

That said however, we need to talk.

I know it's your big holiday. I know. But it's not everyone's big holiday. I mean, some of us out there are only in it for the gifts, decorations, food and family time. Let's be honest. Probably most of us are only in it for the gifts, decorations, food and family time. So when you send out those Christian Christmas cards, although I know what the holiday means to you, well it just sort of leaves me feeling cranky. I mean, if you know most of us are in it for the fun stuff only, then opting to send us a reminder of the original meaning of the season sort of makes me wonder about your intentions.

Here are a few of the motives that I've come up with to explain why you're sending out these cards to everyone on your list:

1. You want to distinguish yourselves from the hordes of consumers and remind us that you have pure motives for celebrating the holidays.
2. You want to make us feel guilty for being so consumeristic
3. You want to remind those lapsing Christian friends out there that their priorities might be skewed and not focused on what really matters
4. You're not aware that your friends don't celebrate Christianity
5. You're not aware that some of your friends aren't Christians and might in fact be practicing other faiths
6. You don't really care that they may not practice/believe or not believe in your faith but want to remind them that you do
7. You can't believe that some of us aren't really all that gaga over the nativity
8. You aren't aware of the prior pagan associations with Christmas, or just don't care and enjoy usurping the traditions of other holidays

These are only a few of the possible reasons out there. Really, the list might be extensive. And your reason might not be even included or be anywhere near the suggested list.

But here's the thing. Some of us are not Christians and some of us actually have a really hard time with Christianity and therefore celebrate the season for reasons other than the nativity. So when you opt to send that very Christian based card, it sort of feels a bit like a slap in the face because it doesn't take into consideration the person who is on the receiving end. I mean, do you send out gifts based on your needs and wishes, or based on what you think the person who is receiving the item might want? Chances are, if you're Christian I have probably already figured that out by now. And I respect that that is your path and your choice and wish you all the best for the season. In all fairness, maybe I should be sending out cards to you that are nativity based. But until it's clear that we're all batting for the same team, maybe it would be a nice consideration if you'd just send a card that says Happy Holidays and All the Best for the New Year.

I don't know, I mean, it's just a thought. You know?

them catholic priest, they just keep on surprising me...

Yesterday we visited the church we're getting married in, in less than 2 weeks. EEK!

Secret confession: I think the reason that I like this church so much is that it reminds me of the church I grew up in. It looks different, and it's Catholic, not Anglican, but it just smells the same. I walk in and am filled with memories of being a child in church. From sitting on the pews and being restless, to thinking the best part was getting to sing and shaking people's hands. Anyways, what I wanted to say was that while we were sitting there I was overwhelmed, good overwhelmed, by the fact that in less than 2 weeks I'll be standing at the entrance of this church, between my parents, walking into a space that feels familiar to me, in order to get married. And that, that fills me with happiness. I might be off my rocker, but I feel like when I walk into that church with my mom, she'll get it. She'll totally know why if I had to get married in a church, why this was the church that I wanted to be married in.

And then, going to place where the priest probably never intended... the sermon was about this idea of heaven and hell and how heaven is more of a state of being than a place. That our souls are contained in our bodies but that we can be in heaven now or after death. But if heaven isn't a place (which is what we generally understand heaven to be) but rather a state of being, where do souls going after death? Are they walking amongst us, or merging with god, or evolving to a higher plane/dimension/alternate universe? It made me think about James Redfield's Celestine Prophecy, which I read years ago. (Yes, I suspect this is NOT what the priest intended at all...)! If we believe in a soul and this priest is right in saying that heaven is a state of being, are the concepts of nirvana and enlightenment, or shamanism even, really that far fetched. Oh yes, I'm sure that my new age interpretation of scripture doesn't adhere to Catholic scripture, then again, if the Bible is meant to be a metaphorical lesson/allegory, then why are we always bogged down in semantics instead of focusing on all the amazing possibilities that are afforded by looking at the various other religions and how the ideas can overlap to create a very rich idea of spirituality? Seriously, I find that far more intriguing than any one path and it seems far more in keeping with an idea of god's message than anything else. I mean seriously, if I was god, I'd totally want people to work together across borders and cultures, in order to get a richer sense of the world that was created. Yeah.

On the same vein...

Recently I read that women are slightly more likely (7%) to associate with a religion than men. Sitting in the congregation, soaking in memories of what church used to mean to me, I realized that if we were going to raise a child in a Catholic church, I would want it to be in a congregation like this one. Although he doesn't talk much about it, I know that I am sort of leading P away from the fold because of my questions and my insistence on having a spiritual life that is meaningful instead of by rote, which makes me wonder what that might mean in relation to the idea that women associate more with religion, however more slightly, than men. Is there any connection? I mean, if language, culture, and religion are typical taught at home by mothers, does it follow that the church (or spiritual) path of the family is often more influenced by the mother? And does this even bear any relevance nowadays when fathers play such a significant and involved role in parenting.

Why are there crosses in graveyards?

Every morning I pass this graveyard on my way in to work and am struck by the very large wooden cross that is at it's entrance. I know that the cross is there to bless and sanctify, and watch over the dead, yadda, yadda, yadda.

But why?

I mean, if god created the earth, then shouldn't it follow that all of the earth is essentially good and sacred? Why do we feel the need to sanctify spaces? For example, why can't Catholics get married outside? The Catholic church says that it's not a sacred space but what could be more sacred?

And this cross also makes me wonder: Where the hell do all the dead non-Christians go? (pun intended). Seriously? Where am I supposed to go? I know that there are Jewish cemetaries in town but are there Islamic? Buddhist, or Atheist cemetaries? What if you're a Unitarian and don't want to be burried in a Christian cemetary? What if you're Hindu? Where do your ashes go after cremation?

Sometimes the car ride into work is very thought provoking...

The Catholic Marriage Preparation Course

All in all, it was better than I expected. There were aspects that were inspirational and irritating. Taken in context of it being a Catholic marriage course, it was far more liberal than I would have ever anticipated.

Here’s a quick breakdown of the courses pros and cons:

 CONS

• The entire conversation about living together before marriage and the arguments that couples who live together take longer to get married and statistically are more likely to separate. I won’t go into the details (cause it would be a long rant) but suffice to say that statistics can be manipulated to prove pretty much anything and that, um hello; you’re preaching to the choir… we were all there because we’re getting married! (most of us in less than 6 weeks)
• The anti-abortion/birth control stance. Taking the pill isn’t an acceptable form of birth control because low grade estrogen pills essentially work by preventing an embryo from attaching to the uterus’ wall, thus technically being an abortion in the eyes of the church. I get that the church is against abortions, I do. But it rubs the wrong way. It really, really does.
• That children, or being open to children, is such an integral part of what marriage means to the church. It accepts infertility but not the choice to remain child-free.
• The pre-marital sex talk. Seriously. Its fine to talk about the hyper-sexualisation of our society and how we need to bring the sacred back into the act, but enough is enough. The room was full of people, some of whom already had kids together.
• And seriously, if they mentioned pornography as an addiction/sin one more time, I was going to scream. I get it. Looking at porn creates false sexual expectations; it objectifies, and takes away from the quality time in a relationship. But only 2 speakers out of 10 DIDN’T mention it. What about when porn can actually be beneficial to a couple?

PROS

• Really focuses on teaching both members of the couple that marriage was about doing the work and making sacrifices for each other in order to grow together (I know what there’s a knee jerk reaction to the word sacrifice, but they really did a nice job of making the idea real and very positive. I was very inspired by this particular aspect of the course).
• Reinforcing that sexual fertility/prevention was the responsibility of both partners. Obviously the church is against condoms and birth control but in the discussions about family planning (using charting methods), they really reinforced that by having to have the discussion about whether we can or can’t have sex at this point in time, that both couples become accountable for fertility. Now in theory, this may have some loopholes and drawbacks to it, but I appreciate the idea that they were trying to teach couples that it isn’t solely a female responsibility. And bonus props for discussing (briefly) the environmental impact of contraception and the need to take it into consideration when making our choices.
• That for all of the stereotypes of Catholics breeding like bunnies, they really emphasized responsible child planning. Having 7 children only works when you have the means and that there is no shame is saying, no, we don’t have the means or space or… [Insert reason] to have another child. And that the woman who was teaching us about charting only has 2 kids after 20 years of marriage. So it wasn’t just all talk!
• Best of all: that it was nice to be in a room with people in the exact same place (often for the same reason (family pressure) as us) and that it really reinforced our decision and made me really grateful and excited about the choice/step we are taking together.

An Agnostic at a Catholic Dinner Table

Tonight I'm having dinner with my partner's Catholic family. It's not the first time, nor is it the last. What makes tonight's dinner so different is the fact that we're both going to sit down to eat, silently, and pretend that the elephant in the room doesn't exist: I'm not Catholic! This is particularly relevent given the foibles and fiascos that have been occuring due to our upcoming nuptials.

Out of respect for their devoutness, I have always been respectful of their traditions and practices even if I don't share them or even, to be honest, agree with them. This has recently come to bite me in the ass, but that is another story, and has led me to rethink my position on polite tolerance.

I originally thought that it was more important to be respectful of another's traditions, and ultimately still do, but am continuously astounded by how so many religious traditions (particularly very devout practitioners) fail to accord the same respect back. I have been put through the ringer for not complying to expectation and getting married into the community church because it is seen as disrespectful and manipulative. My question is this: when did my spiritual identity start meaning less than your Catholic identity? When did my spiritual beliefs lead to the conclusion that I don't have strong opinions of my own about religion? I was raised in religion and chose to leave, for very specific reasons. Why am I now being demanded to forget all of my issues with Christianity, and go a step further, the Catholic church, just for the sake of others when my partner doesn't require it?

For the record:

I have serious issues with the Bible being the "divine" word of God. I think God, in all "its" infinite glory, would be less prone to inconsistency and contradiction should "it" sit down and write (or inspire the writing of something).

I don't believe in the Pope

I believe that all religions essentially boil down the same truth and the same Divine source

I can never accept the idea that if you don't accept Jesus as your saviour, you will be denied a relationship with God. Moreover, I don't accept that God would be so cruel as to say that there is only one way to live in "its" light and then deny 3/4 of the world population knowledge of that way until the 19th century and later. I think God is bigger and more conscientous than that

I believe that God's message is love, and that love can come in any form, between any gender. Our bodies are merely shells for our souls and gender is learned. Who you choose to love is irrelevant as long as you love.

I'm a feminist and believe that the Bible was written by men, for men. Nothing will convince me otherwise. Nothing. I think the Bible has many very important messages and lessons, but that ultimately the story is flawed and needs to be recontextualized based on our current generation. To insist on maintaining the values/rules of another time period is to perpetuate a human right violation in the 21st century.

I think "God" is everywhere and the need for an intermediary is false. I do not need the house of God to speak to God. In fact, I've always found God more present in nature: God's creation, not ours.

Those are just a few of my beliefs, but when I sit down to eat with Catholics, bowing my head for their prayer out of respect, all of them seem to be erased by the act of respect I accord for their beliefs. Should anyone actually care to ask, those are just a few of the things I would share but no one does, which is fine because most are taught not to ask those questions. But in light of all the wedding debates we've been having lately, I find it infuriating that my willingness to eschew many of my own vehemently held beliefs and marry in a Catholic church outside of the "community" is being spit on and regarded as disrespectful. Where in any of this equation is respect towards me being considered? Once again I'm going to sit at a table with people who prefer to pretend that everything is all right than really talk about the issues, and it is slowly killing me inside. For three years that silence has bothered me. And now, with the wedding issue, it has grown into a demon inside that is just screaming to get out. I'm not a person who holds secrets and this secret has been held too long and is destroying me.

Heaven help them if they feed me wine tonight, that's all I've got to say....

Losing My Religion

God made Truth with many doors to welcome every believer who knocks on them.
~Khalil Gibran

Spirituality isn't a topic that we're supposed to talk about openly anymore but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

I used to have unshakable faith, an unshakable belief that there was something out there. I may not have known what or who, but "it" was out there and I felt it's presence in my life. I would argue into the wee hours with my old roomie R about the nature of faith and the liberalness of 'god,' I dabbled in wicca, embraced unitarianism, and generally considered myself a spiritual person.

Somewhere along the line I lost this faith and haven't been able to re-find it. And that makes me sad. I didn't necessarily believe in fate, nor did I believe that 'god' had a plan for us, but I definitely felt like there was something out there giving me signs from time to time and watching out for me.

It's funny, I spent years using the tarot, believing in various 'philosophies' and while I still believe the same things I feel like I lost something along the way and I no longer feel that presence in my life anymore. Did my education do this to me? Or did I spend so much time focusing on education instead of spirituality that I lost my inner voice? Because while I'm an intelligent person, I'd rather be spiritual than intellectual. I always have. But I'm at a loss as to how to find that core part of me again and please don't tell me to find it in church, particularly a christian church. I really feel like the bible and the church are man-made institutions that are the antithesis of what that core idea of 'god' is. Sorry if that offends, that's my position. It is a well thought out position that I made after years of contemplation and self-examination.

Anyways, I'm looking to regain that sense of mystery but it seems to be elluding me. (I know that some might argue my above position is the reason for this, but I know that it's not...) I feel like I intellectually know what I believe, that there is something, but I no longer feel it.

How do I learn to feel it again?