going back to school vs finding time for art

A conversation with someone from work today has me contemplating, once again, the merits of heading back to the classroom for another expensive piece of paper to further my work qualifications.

For those of you not in the know, I’m in Education, working in a writing/tutoring/learning disabilities center in a local college. My primary role is to work with students with learning disabilities. I have no training in this. None. Oh, I’ve attended conferences and local workshops, but I’ve never really learned how to teach/tutor this student population. And my new top supervisor is really on board with developing this aspect of my job and spending money on this area of student services in order to really provide excellent services to the emerging, growing (hell busting at the seams) student population that fits into this category (yes, that’s the bureaucratic side of my job speaking… student category instead of people….).

And while I love the idea of getting training specifically geared towards helping these students, and I know that it would be invaluable for my professional development, but I can’t help wondering….

If I go back to school… what will happen to my crafty time?

in search of creative, crafty culture…

 

Lately, I have to admit, that I’ve been feeling somewhat distant from my good friends. There’s no one particular reason for this, nothing has happened to cause this distance, but I feel it nonetheless.

 

I love my friends. I do. I’ve been blessed in life to have several amazing ladies in my life, new and old, who have traveled down my various paths with me. But right now I sort of feel like I’m on the path alone. That most of my friends and I are in very different places.

 

I don’t have children, nor am I single. We’re not ready for children and I don’t fit into the baby club. I have a career and am no longer a student, I’m not really interested in clubbing anymore, nor do I want to watch my friends pick up (not that I ever did really, to be honest… though I loved dancing). But the point is, I’m not looking for love or validation or a one night stand.  Most of the time I would rather stay home and do crafts or have a small dinner party with drinks and board games. I have Nia 2x a week and would like to get back into yoga. I’m enjoying living a life that nurtures me and my awakening creativity.

 

And that’s the crux of it really. Because I don’t feel like I’m looking for all those other things anymore (work, love, home, etc), I feel like my focus has started to turn inwards and that I’m once again working on the things that I always wanted in life: creativity, spirituality, balance. And as much as I love my friends, I’m starting to realize that most of them aren’t currently searching for those things…. not that they don’t care about those things, but that they are busy working on other things. So I don’t feel like I have much to say anymore because on the surface I suspect my life looks pretty mundane and boring but yet, I feel like I’m rediscovering the artist within me. And I love that feeling. I love who and what it is revealing about me.

 

So when I talk to my friends, well I fill the space with the various updates, I’m fine, Paul’s fine, my brother is fine. Or vents, I’m not sure if my job is long term, Paul’s family (in-laws), my brother still isn’t working…  But the thing is, at the end of the day, all of the surface things that are happening aren’t really what I want to be talking about.

 

I want to talk about what it means to be creating a book of memories, journaling a history for that child I may have one day in the not so distant future, what new skills I’m learning, what I want to do with them and the visions I have for my new craft room and home, how can I take art journaling off the page and bring it into my home and can I build something more out of it? Do I need to take art and sell it or can I find a balance between creating and storing/using said items? I want to think about artistic retreats and down time to write out a draft of the story(ies) in my head. I want to talk about how Nia started out as exercise but is slowly transforming into something more.

 

But those aren’t really stories I can share with my nearest and dearest because they’re not the stories they are interested in right now. Oh, they’d listen, but they wouldn’t really have anything to offer back and what I’m craving most right now is a dialogue about those things, not partying or poop….

random-nata

Life is all over the place right now. So is this post!

I'm learning sign language (bits and pieces) while working a deaf student that I tutor. It's pretty intense because I can't move my fingers and hands quickly or smoothly enough. And as my student likes to point out, my facial expressions suck. Who knew that lil miss expressive would be told that in life? The problem... I'm concentrating so hard on getting the gestures that I can't even begin to pay attention to what my face does... and it ain't pretty my friends!

Paul and I are purging, re-organizing, and re-vamping the condo. So far the process has been good, if not a bit slow going. Both the office and living room are about just over halfway done... we just need to figure out what to put where and a system for using all this new space effectively. Who knew that I'd be so scrupulously attentive to organization one day? What can I say, lately life is just full of surprises.

So of course I'm in organization mode, which led to the same process occuring at work today. My office is now revamped and re-arranged. And my desk, well my desk feels like it just gained like a mile of space... no exaggeration!  :)

In other news, I'm starting to get ready for winter but oddly enough winter doesn't seem to be on its merry little way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. Oh no, not complaining at all. The mild weather has been fab-fricking-fantastic! Nary a drop of snow in sight and it's nearing the end of November. Side note: it never ceases to amaze me how weather out here is an actual topic of conversation. No really, a real topic of conversation. Not just superficial small talk kind of conversation. People will talk about it for ages, complain, rant, rage, long, wish, dream, fume, praise the weather, myself now included. I guess when the weather is predominantly rain, as it is out on the west coast of BC, there isn't all that much to be said. But when you actually have 4 seasons (with all the joy and misery that come with them), there's a whole hell of a lot to say!

In other news, I'm finishing up the last details of my gift package for blogging by mail , which needs to be sent out by Friday the latest... Finding "calgon take me away" goods for someone halfway across the world is fairly daunting to me. I mean... a book, well what if they've read it? It's not like they can exchange it... What about DVD of fav movie? Then I wonder if it will be able to be played, etc, etc, etc...

Crafts ideas are in the works... but also somewhat on hold because of aforementioned re-organization. Slowly folding my way through 1001 origami cranes in order to make a crane garland.

Garlands normally look like this (done vertically):

photo credit: Cat Dancing flickr

But I want a chain that looks more like these doves done horizontally:

photo credit: Ten Thousand Villages

I think I'd prefer the cranes closer together and I plan on putting a bead (something shiny) between the birds. After that, I have a plan that includes lacquer, cranes, and bookmarks...

Yeah... I think that's it for now... like I said, things are a bit random on my end!

A Comedy of Errors

I've been thinking about posting for a couple of days now and in the process I've realized that I feel like I have writer's block. But then again, maybe it's not actually writer's block but just the fact that I don't want to always be writing about wedding stuff and that life has suddenly started to feel extremely busy.

At work my days are full of diversity projects. I'm starting a new contest for students at the college that is meant to get them thinking about Montreal as a multicultural city and how that impacts their lives. I'm pretty excited to see what kind of response I'll get (the deadline is a long way away though). They can write, create a graphic novel, or take a picture. I hope they get creative. Being on the other end  (mean the judging side of many of these competitions) it's sort of sad to see how few students go off the beaten track and use the creative allowance given them, which is not to say that their stories aren't personal and so forth, but just that they all tend to follow the same format. I've purposely tried to prompt them to think more outside of the box while designing this contest, so I really hope that they take advantage of the fact and submit works that show how creative they can be.

In terms of wedding stuff, I think Paul and I have managed to finish our DIY projects (I just have to print and assemble the last one) which is great. Ceremony programs, ring books, assembling bonbonnieres, seating cranes, and Montreal booklets. All pretty much finished. Both of us have our outfits and hair appointments (someone convinced him to go see his hairdresser on the wedding day..... my boy is fashion conscious!).

We were actually joking the other day about his "beard" and the wedding: I've asked him to keep his goatee for the wedding but his mother is going to hate it.

She's going to be all like (add an Italian type accent for better effect, or if you know how, use a Slovenian accent): "what's wrong with you? Are you crazy with that thing on your face, you don't look clean!"
Paul: "but mom, Marya likes it and wants me to keep it"
Paul's mom: "ah you, you're both crazy"

Trust me, we were both laughing because it's soooo true. It doesn't matter that he'll go to the hairdresser and have it done for him along with his hair, she'll be expecting him to come home clean shaven and will be horrified when he comes home with facial hair. Maybe I should start thinking of the wedding day as a series of comic events meant to make our parents groan! Especially since my period came early this month which means that I'll have it during the wedding. Which also means I'll be pms-ing the week before the wedding!

Marya + period+ white dress = a comedy of errors!

a bundle of nerves...

I have a presentation in French today. I'm very very nervous. Even though I'm prepared and I will essentially be reading my "speech" so that I don't get totally flustered, I'm worried about being so nervous that I can't pronounce things properly. Oy. By 2pm today, I will be such a relieved girl. I think tonight will call for copious amounts of wine to celebrate my very first French presentation (and maybe my last!)

Wish me luck.

Oh and...

I finished all of my correcting which means that I've officially finished my teaching work this semester. Which means that yours truly is only working one job now, a first in years!

Yay, when work is done, it's done! Woo hoo! Colour me ecstatic!

Oh the things you'll learn...

Some days, when I sit back, I am somewhat awed by the things my job teaches me. This week alone I have learned (from student papers) about bioremediation, how chemicals impact our sense of love, water shortages in Asia and Canada, the normalization of breast feeding, human rights and globalizaton issue in the Congo and Ivory Coast, and Turkish melodies used in Mozart's Don Giovanni. It's been a busy week!

As much as students think that I am helping and teaching them, they are sometimes completely unaware of the impact they are having on me. I mean, for example, did you know that the majority of Canadian drinking water is underground? I didn't. Or that bioremediation (the introduction of micro-organisms in toxic regions) can actually heal pollution and is ofen more cost effective? Or what about the fact that Mozart used Turkish musical elements in Don Giovanni to convey a sense of chaos and instability in the main character of the opera?

I have learned interesting information ranging from cultural behaviour to Rastafarianism to environmental management to the Black Panther Party to the effects of the diamond trade on the Congo. All from my students. The things teaching teaches are really incredible.

Today I [heart] my profession.

may is the busiest month

It's only the 13th and yet I feel like I've just been rushing since the end of April.

Final exams, work has been crazy busy, preparing for a conference (yes, I'm going to a local conference on diversity and giving a presentation in French: yikes!), organizing wedding details (we've booked our church, signed up for the required pre-wedding prep course, made a rough draft our invitations, updated the wedding site so that it's ready when the invites go out, picked out our rings...), and so on and so forth...

The weather is beautiful and all I can say is thank god because if it was miserable and I was this busy, I'd be cranky!

Actually, despite the hectic pace of life right now, I have to say that I'm feeling very appreciative of my life. I have a great partner, a nice home, a good job, health, a cat, loving parents, great friends who have been standing by me during some rather trying times. Truly feeling the need to count my blessings this week.

Which Comes First

I'm not sure if it's the universe conspiring, aligning of the stars, just being more aware or drawn to certain ideas, actively, although unconsciously, seeking out similar thought processes, just part of the age that I am, or some weird twist of fate, but sometimes it feels a little too concidental that I find myself hearing, reading or thinking about similar issues that people around me seem to also be contemplating.

From learning to revamp our identity, live our dreams, quit a job, not get mentally old before our time, or find ways to make things fresh again, it strikes me that a lot of people around me are going through a variation of a similar identity contemplation phase. Maybe it's a pre-midlife crisis? Or a by-product of being part of a generation that has too many options and too much indecision? I don't know if I really agree with that statement wholeheartedly, but I don't really know what causes it. I just know that it seems to be very prevalent.

For me personally (I'm going to break my own blog rule here and talk about work), it manifests in the form of career questions. I have a great job. My coworkers are lovely, the pay is decent, the hours are stable, the students interesting and challenging. I'm encouraged to develop new ideas and given the opportunity to learn about issues related to education and I don't bring work home with me. I do work that makes a difference and effects academic learning. And yet, I'm not sure if I'm entirely happy with it. Why?

There are 3 main reasons (and I guess they all center around one main issue: stability vs independence): the M-F 9-5 routine; less vacation time than if I taught full time; and the moments when there just isn't that much to do. The counter arguments: my job is stable; I have 4 weeks of vacation (which will be 5 starting next year) and that's more than many people; and if I was more self-disciplined I'd find things to do in those lull moments.

But then I think about teaching: I'd have summers off and could travel; I'd be only required to be on campus about 20hrs a week; and because of all this, could develop outside interests. Counter arguments: I have to bring work home; the pay is less; I'm still making a difference but only in the classroom, not necessarily institutionally.

What it all comes down to feels like petty grievances that reflect my anxiety about being tied down and commited to one career path. I'll admit it, it sort of freaks me out to realize that this is a permanent job. But I also know that if I left this and went into teaching, I'd eventually feel that way about teaching too. Every 3 months I start contemplating dropping everything and travelling the world, teaching ESL in foreign destinations, and embracing my inner new age flakey girl and living in an ashram in India for a year. Or something equally non-career oriented! I've recently come to the conclusion that none of this really has to do with this job, or any job, but rather with my own unwillingness to view myself as settled. Which is of course ironic given that I'm about to get married in 5 months. Turning into the white picket fence, surburban soccer mom who works a white collar 9-5 job and comes home to watch TV and cook dinner terrifies me.

As much as I long for security and a home of my own with an organic garden and a grey water system, I have to admit that stability also tends to translate into the idea of stagnation for me. And I feel that underlying a lot of what I've been reading, hearing, and talking about lately, there is a common thread that I'm picking up on (imagined or real): how do you settle into a secure, stable life in your 30s and not let being content lead to stagnation and lack of creativity? Again, although this seems to be the question beneath the surface, I find that it is tinged with irony because I'm also noticing that there seems to be new found/renewed creativity emerging in my life, despite and probably because of the fact that I'm stable and not partying like a fiend anymore. I've travelled more, learned more, earned more, explored more new ideas, started more new projects, and felt more inspired in the past few years than ever before.

Too Much Work, Not Enough Everything Else

For years now my friends have been telling me that I work too much, which I've always denied because I actually feel that I tend to be pretty lazy. It started with A telling me that I'm a workaholic because I never call in sick to work. At the time I was puzzled because why would I call in sick if I could work? Over the years I have consistently worked 2 or more jobs at a time, much to my friends dismay, leaving little time for me explore other ventures in my life, including thesis writing.

(collecting shadows)

However, in the past few months I've been trying to scale back on the stress levels I experience by cutting out jobs that I didn't need to be doing. At first I found this very difficult because I didn't know what to do with myself when I had free time. Years of never having time have taken their toll. That said, I've gotten over the hump and am finally starting to really enjoy my free time to the point that I am actually really looking forward to the end of this semester and only having one job! In fact, I'm so excited about it that I've suspended all outside of the main job activities to the point where I'm officially screwed because I now have so much correcting and projecting finishing to do that it is frakking stressing me out! Way to cope: write blog post...

I've also decided to unlink my blog from facebook because I feel like it makes me too cautious about what I say. If I want to express ideas about the wedding or ponder spirituality, I find myself thinking twice because it might pop up on the wrong person's page. If they visit here, well they sought it out, so I can be less concerned about it. Other than that, this space is really meant to be for me and I don't want to feel the need to edit myself.

Travel: work and play

I am in awe of this couple. I want their life. Yup, it's true. 2 years working and traveling the world. Bliss I tell you. Bliss.

Ok, I do realize that it's probably not bliss (at least not all the time) but they are leading my dream life. Really. If I could do anything in this life, this would be it. It may be the only thing in my life that I have ever been sure of wanting to do.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and love my life, my partner, my cat, and my home but for as long as I can remember I have always dreamed of working my way around the world. The irony of it all is that I have the perfect career path for it: ESL teaching.

Oh student loans, why do you thwart me so. Sigh....